Hold me tight dear and I promise to send all my loving to you.
Why couldn’t the baby horse eat dessert?
It was foal.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
Dark-colored huskies found in Colorado can also be termed as dusky huskies!
If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.
What do you call a snowman on rollerblades?
A snowmobile.
How are snow boards and vacuum cleaners alike?
Both have dirt bags on board.
What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?
They both share your blood.
I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.
Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!
Did you hear about the sheep's jousting tournament?
It was a real baa-lancing act.
What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner
You are such a perfect arrangement of atoms.
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
Are you a cake? “Because I want a piece of that.”
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
Did you hear the joke about the donut? Probably not, it was crummy!
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
Why would an oreo cookie need to visit a dentist? To get a filling replacement.
What do you call two cookies from the same cookie sheet who fall in love? A batch made in heaven.
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
When they want to relax, ghosts have a boo-ble bath.
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
Roses are red, Violet are blue. What would you do. If I fell in love with you?
I hear you're looking for a stud. Well, I've got the STD and all I need is you.
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!
You must be a ninja, because you snuck into my heart
What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
Let's make some sweet music together, honey
I just had to tell you. Your beauty made me truly appreciate being able to see.
I feel like Medusa was in some rocky relationships.
An onion just told me a joke.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.