What do you call someone who lost her Marital arts tournament?
Divorced.
How does Frankenstein jump-start his day?
With a shock of lighting.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
Why aren’t trees competitive sports fans? They like to root for everyone.
"Slicing Salami"
The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!
– Denise Rodgers
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
My bank is really proud of me.
According to them, I have an outstanding balance!
I'm a maintenance engineer and I'd love to tinker with your parts.
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
Do you want to dance?
Yeah, sure.
Great, then I can sit there.
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
Where are werewolf movies made?
Howl-lywood.
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
I’m soy into you.
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
What did Betula pendula tell her little sister when she was annoyed? Leaf me alone, birch.
I had a salad pun, but I tossed it
What do you call a guy who believes in ethical treatment of spiders?
Peta Parker.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.
Did you alter my vestibular apparatus?! Because I keep falling over for you!
How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"
What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”
Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
A guy walks into the bar.
It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.