You’re my #1 pick.
Hey Anthony, methinks Antho-Need your number
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Sorry, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You’re making the other girls look bad.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!
What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.
What do you think Abby-t going on a date sometime?
"The Centipede"
I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.
– May Fenn
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
Birch, please.
I have the final sleigh.
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
I don’t know what the trick is, but you certainly are a treat.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?
About 1,000 miles.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
Babe, there's a few tough road series coming up, but if we can make it through them, I'll know it's real.
I saw you on Spotify so thought to text you. You were in the hottest singles this week.
What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.
Have you ever tried to write your own puns?
It's a fairly difficult pun-dertaking!
My band only plays dog whistles.
You've probably never heard us.
On one bright Sunday morning, one long lost wolf finally met his longtime classmate. “So, Howl’s it goin’!”
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
I was getting a record player down from a shelf and it dropped on my head!
But it didn't effect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me...
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
Where does a penguin keep its money?
In a snow bank.
Did you hear about the big company that made syrup from contaminated trees? They maple their syrup from the shelves.