What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.
What did the Wife say to the Husband?
You are exhausting!
What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
What do you get if you cross a witch with a werewolf?
A mad dog that chases airplanes!
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
Even if injuries end it prematurely, Paul's had a good Kariya.
As you would expect, most airline pilots make friends only in high places.
Black ice isn't the only thing I'm falling for.
One smart fellow, he felt smart.
Two smart fellows, they felt smart.
Three smart fellows, they felt smart.
Four smart fellows, they felt smart.
Five smart fellows, they felt smart.
Six smart fellows, they felt smart.
How fast can a cave become vacant? At the drop of a bat.
Crows, they just love sports, crow-quet to be precise.
I like your tight end
Seeing that you're new here, let me show you where the water fountain is...the next drink's on me.
Red wasn't feeling very well for the past few weeks. He has been diagnosed with scarlet fever.
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
Hey girl, are you Morphine? 'Cause, you take my pain away.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Me me mo mi get me a mole,
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Fe me mo mi get me a mole,
Mister kister feet so sweet,
Mister kister where will I eat !?
What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The Bogeyman.
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
Never laugh at your spouse’s choice… You’re one of them.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
Have you watched werewolves taking lunch, you will be amused, they literally wolf it down!
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25. You know why?
Inflation.
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
Why did the bald man decide to paint a bunch of rabbits on his head? He thought that they could look like hares from a distance.
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
I don’t know about you, but I think helicopter rescue pilots have the best pick-up lines.
What do you call a guitar used to play pool?
A cue stick.
Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
Lady, you mak me All Shook Up and wake my Animal Instinct
When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
What did the Easter Bunny say to its partner? We make one egg-celllent couple.
Why don’t cars enjoy long drives?
They find them a drag.
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.