The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.

You know you're just like the sun, your beauty is blinding.

Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.

What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!

Cutest clover in the patch.

"I Love to Hate You"

Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!

— Jan Allison

If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?

What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!

"That's all, yolks."

Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.

France is beautiful in every Cezanne.

Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.

Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.

Why do seals have trouble eating bread?
Because they're seal-iacs.

Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.

How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.

Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.

What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War?
World War Won.

I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.

(Unknown)

What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.

Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.

What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.

Wanna partner up so we can test the spring potential of my bed mattress?

If you don’t have a lot of figurines from Ancient Greek mythology, I can give you a mini tour.

What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."

Q: What do you call a gust of wind that blows a tall guys onto a basketball court?
A: The NBA draft

I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.

You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.

What do you get when you spill soup on a comic book? Souperman.

What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.

“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears

What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement

If a purple-colored fruit gets stuck in your drain, then you should call a plum-ber to fix it.

Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.

Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.

Why was the picture of the dog sent to jail?
Because it was framed.

You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.

Do you use Spotify free? You should join my Premium Duo for all the features.

I'd love to go up and down with you, fancy a hill rep session?

Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.

What did the trees wear when they went to a pool party? Swimming trunks.

Egg-Plant a kiss on me.

Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.

What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.

The pineapple is pining for the summer.

"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino

Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.

Q: Why are cherries never lonely?
A: Because they hang around in bunches.