Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Howl.
Howl who?
Howl you know if you don't open the door?
You are the best, I feel so peachy when I am with you!
I don't bite you know - unless it's called for.
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeakers.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Hey girl, are you gold? Because I'm in Au of your beauty.
I wonder why theatres are so sad? They're always dark, moody, and in tiers.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
How do you get into the mush-room? Ring the porta-bella.
What always goes up whenever the rain comes down? An umbrella.
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
Your bible would look great on my nightstand.
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.
Shell yeah.
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
What happened when an orange, an apple, and a banana all went on a picnic together?
They had a “fruit-ful” day.
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
Why don’t we go somewhere where I can stick a candle in your jack-o-lantern?
I have so many Easter puns, it’s not even bunny.
Before the Koalaville basketball team can play for the national championship, they have to make it through the koalafying rounds.
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
Hey, let's hold a costume party. You can be a bank, and I can be alone!
Bodies in garden are a plant says wife
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.
I thought Lord Of The Flies was about entomology.
It really bugs me that it isn't.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
Cell phones are a static symbol.
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
How do you sink a submarine full of fools?
You knock on the door.
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
The tiger came went to the salon. Now, other animals of the jungle call him 'Shaved Khan.'
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase