Did you invent the airplane? ‘Cause, you seem Wright to me.
What do you call a guy who can't stop running along the beach?
Joggernaut.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
What did the snowman order at the fast food restaurant?
An ice burger extra cheese.
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.
Having a ball
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
Do you have an inhaler? Because you took my breath away.
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
If dolphins lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland!
How did the old man walk his way out of the storm so fast?
Because, he had a hurry cane.
I would never precede you with "which," baby, because you are essential to this clause.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
Hey I am like a Rubik's cube the more you play with me the harder I get!
What do you call a 1 cent coin in Italy?
A penne.
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.
It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
What crosswords do zombies like?
Crypt-ic ones.
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
I whale-y like you.
Why did it take the teen pig so long to get ready for school in the morning?
She was very piggy when it comes to choosing what to wear!
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!