An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
I know Benjamin Franklin.
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
Hey I need a female opinion - what do you think would look better on me, this or this?
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
How do you get dragon milk?
Find a cow with no back legs
The reason why bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
I’m soy into you.
Are you a defibrillator? Because you are sending shocks to my heart.
What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of memory!
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
I really hate rock puns.
My sediments exactly.
In my own version of the periodic table of elements, the number one element is U.
What did the beaver tell the tree? It has really been nice gnawing you.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
What is a car’s favourite job?
Caretaker.
I hate when I have to stop scuba diving
If makes me deep-pressed
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
You're so beautiful, even the leaves fall for you.
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
Are you a lexicographer? Because you make my life more meaningful.
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests
You must be the square root of two because I'm irrational around you.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
You met all of my koala-fications
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
What does the parrot get at the end of a restaurant meal? The bill!
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
You’re prettier than a summer day in Lunenburg.
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.