Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a long 31-day long March!
"You give me premature ventricular contractions. You make my heart skip a beat."
- Natalie Portman, No Strings Attached (2011)
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
Are you backpacker? ‘Cause you got this whole “being attractive” thing in the bag.
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.
Why did the hotdogger quit skiing at MaryJane?
Because it was the wurst stunt skier at Winter Park Resort.
How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
What do you call a large pile of cats? A meowntain!
What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
- Bone voyage!
What do you say to you, me, and our dogs getting together sometime to raise the ruff?
Ever wonder what's happening under Orion's belt?
Do you want to share some valence electrons? This way, we can have a stable relationship.
What painting is terrible at ever being happy? The Moaning Lisa.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
You need to go out on a date with me right now. Alex-plain later
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
What movie perfectly describes the corona virus?
No country for old men.
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
Why did the mommy and daddy werewolves call their son “Camera”?
Because he was always snapping at things!
What did the oreo cookie say to his filling? You’re my butter half.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous