Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table?
She was hogging all the food!
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
A physics teacher writes a question on a board:
"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:
"In a foster home."
Where do eggs go on holiday?
New Yolk.
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?
By Demeter.
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
Did you ever hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.
The reason orange juice doesn’t slide well on hard wood floors is Because of pulp friction.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
Where do crows try their luck?
Ma-cau
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
Q. How do you describe the inate behavior of a new mother deer?
A. Doe-ting
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fangs
Fangs who?
Fangs for letting me in!
What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
Son: I was really Hungary and I ate the whole Turkey. There is only Greece left.
Me: I couldn’t Bolivia!
I love dogs, you love dogs, it's just me or is there some real pet-tential here?
Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.
What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
This book of spells was useless. The author forgot to run spell check.
Have you ever worked in a hotel?
Then why are you checking me out?
Why don't gorillas vote?
They're ape-political.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw?
Because they don’t know how to cook it.
Last time I was in France I wanted to ask a question about strawberries
But I wasn't sure how to fraise it.