Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
If you are a fan of alphabet soup, then you might also know times new ramen.
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
I'm a gymnast, so if you're down for some mattress yoga, count me in!
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
My heart is as desolate as Saskatchewan without you.
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
What did they call Dracula after his team won the big game?
The Champire.
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
Lady, you mak me All Shook Up and wake my Animal Instinct
What's green and hangs from trees? Dinosaur snot.
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What kind of soup can you make with cool beans?
Chilly!
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead
19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.
Alzheimer's Center Prepares For An Affair To Remember.
I hope to someday be your emergency contact...
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
I just gotta say, you and that dog are looking awfully fetching in your photos.
Is your mom a hooker? Cause I'm hooked on you.
Are you a durian? Because you're a total snack, but you smell like rotting flesh.
A woman who gave birth in a tree was sent to jail
She was charged with treeson
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
What do you call an ant that doesn’t get warm?
Coolant.
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
Turns out my dad who’s a locksmith still has to go to work during lockdown.
He’s a key worker, you see.
You tell me your mantra and I’ll l tell you mine.
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.