What did the Bluetooth say as the ship went down?
"Help! We’re syncing!"

It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.

I heard milk does the body good, but man, how much have you been drinking?

I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.

What did the deer say when she met her favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn of your movies!”

what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?
A Soviette.

“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud

My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.

They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.

"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"

- Jim Gaffigan.

What is writing in sand called?
Sandscript.

What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.

An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.

Haven’t I seen you before? Maybe in my dreams?

Who makes dinosaur clothes? dino-sewer.

Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.

A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”

The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.

What do you call a fast broomstick?
A vroom-stick.

How do sheep greet each other during the holidays? Fleece Navidad!

Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.

Definition of Irony - When the Year Of The Rat starts with a plague.

It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.

Are you backpacker? ‘Cause you got this whole “being attractive” thing in the bag.

Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,

About Six-tea years to date,

Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,

her cupious amazing traits

Her balanced demeanour

Her Kindness and (earl) grace,

rooibost sense of humour,

too many to name in this teany space,

to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,

let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,

While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,

It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.

I saw the chicken quickly crossing the basketball court? Then I remembered that the referee was blowing fowls.

I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”

I'm from the Outback and I'd like to take you out back.

Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.

What does a skunk’s car run on?
Fumes.

What do aspens wear to school? A tree-shirt.

What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.

I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!

(Susanna Rose)

My spiritual gift is my good looks. It lifts peoples spirits.

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield

What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.

“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner

What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”

What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!

Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!

What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.

How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.

Sorry, But You Owe Me A Drink. Well, When I Saw You, I Dropped Mine.

Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.

What do you call a mouse with no balls?
Optical.

I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.

"Is that cannon fire, or is it my heart pounding?"
- Ingrid Bergman, Casablanca (1942)

I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.

How do worms measure their length?
They ask a tape worm to help out!