Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?
It’s a real Eiffel.
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.
"Will you accept this rosé?"
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.
What did the Gorilla say when he saw there was a sale happening?
Ooh! OOh! OOOh!!!!
The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!
What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
Your hand looks heavy—can I hold it for you?
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
What do you call a buffet for sheep?
All you can bleat!
My name? It's Bond. Covalent Bond.
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.
Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
Why did the Easter bunny fire the duck?
He kept quacking all the eggs.
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
I asked the librarian for the new book on erectile dysfunction.
She typed on her keyboard and said "It's not coming up!"
I said "Yeah, that's the one!!"
Once upon a Halloween night,
A coven of witches took flight;
They went to the UN;
Added an “F” to UN.,
From then on the world’s future was more bright.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
What’s a horse’s favorite animated movie?
Bolt.
Why did the aspen date the poplar? She really found him to be in-tree-guing.
You can be the queen of my kingdom.
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
How do you tranfer funds even faster than electronic banking? By getting Married.
You are the best compression gear because you made my blood flow.
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
Potato puns are a-peeling.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.