“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
What do the squirrels do when they are bored ?
watch NutFlix
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Kenya
Kenya who?
Kenya guess who is it?
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.
Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.
I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(Andrew Jefferson)
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
Mermaids always drink mermosas.
I pitcher us together forever.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
What do you call a giant that's good at football?
Goaliath.
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian...
Then Soviet
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:
Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod
Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!
'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!
It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!
Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
How fast can a cave become vacant? At the drop of a bat.
Two astronauts who were dating, met up for a launch date.
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
Where are koalas taken when they die? To an ancient bearial site.
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
Do you know which aisle the edible underwear is in? Oh, wait, wrong store!
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
Can I call you pia mater? Cause you’re always on my mind.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
What did the triangle say to the circle? Your pointless!
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!