“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
Look into my compound eyes and say you'll eat our young.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
Are those Guess jeans? Because guess who wants to get into them.
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a pet dog?
A terrified postman.
What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”
I created a presentation on my computer but didn't use password protection...
Now it has visual aids.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
Hey, I was reading through the Book of Numbers today, and I realized I didn't have yours.
What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
Car puns are really tiring
"No wine left behind."
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
I’ll be there in a pinch.
Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
Why couldn’t the cat finish watching her movie? Because she had it on paws!
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
What do you call a cold, angry pig? A ham-brr-grr.
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
Look, I can spell your name on my calculator!
We all know that the New England Patriots have their soup in the Super Bowl.
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.