Do you want to die happy?
I've heard lovemaking is a killer.
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
If you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet.
You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant.
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
Why are crows the safest flying birds?
They're the most CAWtious.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
Unlike the Leafs, I will never let you down.
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
Native Americans used to have their own professional tennis tournaments, and provided free housing to players from other tribes. They called it the A Tee Pee Tour. (No disrespect to Native Americans!)
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
Where do eggs go on holiday?
New Yolk.
You are my belongingness to my Maslow's Humanistic Theory based on the Hierarchy of needs.
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
My football teammate asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”
I gave him a high five.
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
How did the horse break into the mainframe?
It was a hack.
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
Careful of that Earl Grey, it’s super hot! Oh wait, you don’t need to worry. It’s not as hot as you.
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
I was really surprised when I learned that singer Pink's favorite color was actually green. No one could have i-magenta-it.
You’re as beautiful as a flower, but I think I rose to the challenge.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
What did the thrifty man say when he got his phone bill? "Who says talk is cheap?"
Join us for a slice of fun.
Hey girl, if you were a turkey you'd only need minimal basting because you're already so juicy.
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz