Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
Have you seen the new movie with the Dachshund?
Apparently it’s an Oscar Weiner.
"Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?"
Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
What medicine do you give to sick ants?
Antibiotics.
To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
Does all this rain make you want an ark?
I Noah guy.
Can you give me directions to your heart? I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes.
What is a cat’s favorite type of water? Purr-ified!
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
Are you Jewish? Cause you IS RAELI HOT.
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
What do you call water that is good for you?
Well water.
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
Sorry, I can't play hide and seek. Someone like you is simply impossible to find.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
Are you doctor recommended? Because I’d like to to get a Hailey dose
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.
What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”
Do you believe in love at first flight?
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death
Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up
And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear
Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!
Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!
(By Rick W. Cotton)
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
A Bisontennial!
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
I cannoli be happy
Would you allow me to experience what’s beyond your Event Horizon?
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!