Who were Gumby’s favorite Bible characters?
Shadrack, Meshack & AhBENDago.

What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”

Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?

To keep each udder dry.

A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.

I was conned into believing that my hotel room in Moscow had free Wifi.
I remember the ad saying: Internyet.

What did the boyfriend mouse say too the girlfriend mouse family? Mice too meet you.

I wish I was Tim Horton's coffee…So I could get close to your lips.

What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.

What did the wise papa fish tell his son?
Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.

Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!

When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.

Knock, knock
Who’s there? CIA CIA, who? CI ate your last doughnut!

Are you a mountain climber? ‘Cause you really peaked my interest.

I saw this beautiful tower in Italy..
It was a Pisa art!

I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.

What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training

Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.

For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.

I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?

What are ants made of?
Antimatter.

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.

“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”

- Colette.

Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious

How was heaven when you left it?

Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!

Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was in the sky?
I guess you can say the baby was airborne

Why did the other volleyball team bow? Because they heard that the queens of the court were there.

Case in punt

Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.

"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry

Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.

What do a dog and a cell phone have in common?
They both have collar ID.

Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.

Let me be a chicken nugget, and take a dip in your sauce.

What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.

Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark, you still seem to shine.

Let’s take an elfie.

How good is a Coney Island gyro? Feta than se*.

Get in the swim this summer.

What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!

I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.

What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.

Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?

No, with a knife.

Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.

What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

Are you a dictator? Because you have absolute power over me.

I've got a Victrola in my bedroom. Want to listen to my Sinatra records together? We could slow dance

Want to show me how to make steamy greens?