Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?

Hey girl…
Can I call-cu-later?

"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"

When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.

No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.

We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.

She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.

– Kenn Nesbitt

What's a flowing water with living organisms called?
A livestream.

“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”

When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"

Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.

Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese

Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously...
I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.

I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.

Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.

What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.

I was surprised that although I was supposed to be feeling blue, my heart was not that heavy. Perhaps, I am feeling light blue.

Ringo, John snd George walked into an electric guitar shop...
They were less Paul.

Which violation do ghosts get called for the most in basketball?
Ghoul tending.

How do you know your eating rabbit soup? When there's a hare in it.

You snow the drill.

Babe can I get a cookie that tastes like you?

How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!

Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."

Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.

What does a heartbroken zombie say?
- I just want zombodie to love.

Do you find bone puns humerus?

Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.

When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.

“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak

Why do ghosts like elevators? They raise their spirits.

My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.

Wanna partner up so we can test the spring potential of my bed mattress?

For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.

Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook

Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.

A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.

We should make like the Soviet Union and split up.

I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.

It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.

I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.

(Martin Dejnicki)

What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!

Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.

Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.

A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.

I’ve never understood fog machines.

They mystify me to this day.

Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.

What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.

I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.

I’m not a photographer, but I can definitely picture your number on my phone.

I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.

What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.

"Have You Ever Seen"

Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?

Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?

Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?

I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.

What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us