"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef
You know I'm da man you been wading for.
A man fell into a vat of varnish and died
He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
I got an email today saying I could win $10,000 in a fishing competition.
But I'm sure there's a catch involved somewhere.
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
What words do windmills live by? One good turn deserves another!
A zoo owner introduced his tiger to the visitors by saying "this is the most paw-some tiger at the zoo".
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
Whale, hello there.
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.
There is no glory in practice, but without practice there can be no glory. This volleyball pun is very inspirational. For you to do your best, you have to be willing to practice.
What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
The Bogey.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?
4X4.
A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
What is it called when a skeleton lawyer works for free!
Pro Bone-O.
What will you call a crazy spaceman? An astronaut.
What did daddy ghoul say to his youngest son?
Stop ghouling around!
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
Me, to my wife: They said that the Covid vaccines are safe and has no side effects.
My wife: Who did?
Me: Yep.
One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.
Summer's over; it's time to chill.
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
You’ve really Penelopeaked my interest
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.
Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.
I’m never board when I’m at the pool.
What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks? a Roman Catholic
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns