I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
Do you want to Australian Kiss?
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.
What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.
You must be a summoner, cause I can feel a powerful creature rising... in my pants!
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
No one really enjoys crying wolf. However, the boy did cry just to get a howling experience.
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes.
Can I be Candide with you?
How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt
hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
“I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more--that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangn
Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?
He couldn't focus on the negatives.
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
What milk comes from Spain?
Soy Milk.
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
My buddy was cast in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, but he was still angry because he wasn't Happy.
Wanna churn butter with me?
What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.
Sorry I took so long to call, I accidentally got lost in your eyes.
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.
Did you invent the airplane? Cause you seem Wright for me.
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus
I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.
Ringo, John snd George walked into an electric guitar shop...
They were less Paul.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business.
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!