I can tell what a woman drinks just by looking at her, and for you it's a diet coke.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
Hey, if you can’t take the heat, get out of your clothes.
What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.
The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.
Apparently, it was a Dyson.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
“Why did they ask the turkey to join the band? He had the drum sticks.”
Why are alligator comedians so funny?
Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.
Baby, when you're near me my heart beats like a hedgehog's. That's about 300 beats a minute.
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
Why does nobody invite Jupiter to the space parties? Because he has too much gas, always…
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
What did one cloud of fog say to the other?
I don’t know. It’s a mistery.
You know why women's eyes are so noticeable these days?
It's the mask era.
While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm. I decided to cyclone.
When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
I got fired for eating chips at work.
Well I really hated my job at the casino anyways.
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
He was declared to be in Seine.
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
My heart is as desolate as Saskatchewan without you.
Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
What do France and a pigeon have in common?
Every 5 minutes, there is a coo.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.