What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
Are you a phone? Because I want to hold you in my hands all day and ignore the rest of the world while I stare at you alone in my bedroom.
What would a crow wear to the Halloween party? A crown!
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
Honey, are you a drummer? Because you can make my heart skip a beat.
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
"What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?" "I want you inside me!"
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
I want to practice my forehand outside, but it will be wet in the morning and nice later on. So here’s the plan for today: inside-out.
Have you ever wondered why gulls are known as seagulls? It is because they are by the sea. Had they been by the bay, they would have been called bagels.
I’ll never fir-get.
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
Why are winter days great?
They’re snow much fun!
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
What do you call a guy who believes in ethical treatment of spiders?
Peta Parker.
Hey summer, long time no sea!
Do you know hop? Because your body is really kickin'.
No taxation without representation! But, there is a kiss tax. Strictly enforced and right on the lips.
Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
I think you're mer-mazing.
What does a vampire need for making breakfast in the morning?
Pancake batter.
Why was the penguin so annoying?
Because he was always fishing for complements.
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
Hey, I just got my flight number. I’m just missing your phone number.
Are you doctor recommended? Because I’d like to to get a Hailey dose
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark you still seem to shine.
What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.