There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
I love you more than my mom loves Céline Dion.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
Why don’t trees travel in groups? Because two’s a company, but tree’s a crowd.
What did the snowman eat?
Icebergs with chilli sauce.
Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies.
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
What advice do ghosts give their children? Only spook when spoken to.
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone for so long but then it finally dawned on me.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
Why don’t we use some Fourier analysis on our relationship and reduce to a series of simple periodic functions?
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
Everybody romaine calm.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
Tommy Tucker tried to tie Tammy's Turtles tie.
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
Are those space pants? Cause your ass is out of this world.
I’ve been looking for you, and I hope you’re as sweet as jelly beans.
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
On one you’re thankful but on the other you’re prankful.
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
I'd make like Jacob and work seven years for you to be my bride.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
What do whales like to chew?
Blubber gum.
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work
How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?
Because he has a dark side!
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
Your fur is red, so beautiful, like an angel in disguise.
An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”