What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!
Are you looking for a shallow relationship?
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
What did the Australian cowboy charge for kangaroo rides?
A Buckaroo
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Knock knock.
Come in.
"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"
Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.
Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!
Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!
I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!
– Kelly Roper
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
A man walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a Corona please, hold the virus."
When finally the encyclopedia on mushrooms was out, it was given the title ‘A Fungi-de to the Mushrooms’.
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
How do two flowers greet each other?
Hey bud, how’s it growing?
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
You're the sinoatrial node of my heart. Without you, even a defibrillator won't save me.
"learn to play piano by ear!"
"Thanks, I'd rather use my fingers."
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
Do you want to share some valence electrons? This way, we can have a stable relationship.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
Aloha is a soft laugh.
Leave poetry to the prose.
I'm definitely in the range of your hotspot. How about you let me connect and get full access.
Are you an Advil? Cause I'd like to take you every 2-4 hours.
What did the nut tree say when his wife left him? I walnut stand for this!
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Why did the computer squeak? Because someone stepped on its mouse!
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.
Easter is grammatically incorrect.
We should say more east.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
What's the most popular American cheese sitcom? Curd Your Enthusiasm
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
You feta have a gouda birthday.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
If you have a parrot, it says a lot about you!
What was the motto of the unique deer? Deer to be different!
Building Inspectors should be stricter in Pisa, Italy.
Since they are a bit too *lean*ient.
What do you call a camel that looks the same from both directions?
A palindromedary!
I’ve found that dressing up like this has truly been an en-witching experience.
Are you fossil? Because I want to date you!
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist