Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
How does a deer know what day of the week it is?
It looks at its calen-deer.
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.
Did you here about the croc with a serious drug addiction?
It was a crackodile.
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
What belongs to you but others use more? Your name
Made a whole bunch of dad jokes at Thanksgiving dinner...
I pulled out all the Pops!
Which color is the fastest?
Red, because it is always redy.
Don't fork-get your manners.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror.
I have no idea how you can look so great pre-coffee.
If you were a tree, you'd be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
"Our relationship is like a fat guy."
"What?"
"It's not working out."
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
Are you Australian? Cause you meet all my koala-fications!
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
Just like a blue supergiant star, you’re exceedingly hot and extremely bright.
The shrubs were gearing up for a fight with the grass, but they never saw the blades come in.
A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad.
He thought the manager said “seize her salad”.
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
We’re not socks, but we make an excellent pair.
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
What tree makes fruit that tastes a lot like chicken? Poultree.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
Were you born on the Bluenose? Because baby, you're a dime.
Hi! Tell me a funny story about your dog. I know you've got one.
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Why did the ram run over the cliff edge?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
I would hug you after a Bikram Yoga class