Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
They say that Disney World is "the happiest place on earth".
They've obviously never been in your arms.
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
If you know a person's name: "Hi, [name]."
How did you know my name?
"Isn't every beautiful girl named that?"
Are you a beaver? Because I like your tail.
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
This may be cheesy, but I think you're grate.
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor. He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining. He just couldn't find a role he could sink his teeth into.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
It is ridiculous having a basketball team that lacks a website. Do you mean none of them can string three W’s together?
What do you call royal pineapple? Your pine-ness.
What do rabbits say before they eat? Lettuce pray.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel
I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
Have you ever been fishing in Lake Michigan? 'Cause we should hook up sometime.
Have you watched werewolves taking lunch, you will be amused, they literally wolf it down!
I miss you! I’ll see you tater!
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
How do mountains hear?
with mountaineers.
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
In one Fall swoop, it's autumn again!
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
What did the cow who barged the other cow say?
Moo-ve!
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.