Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
Who is a ghoul’s favorite family member?
Mummy!
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal?
- Bone Appetit!
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
Q. Which Louisville race exclusively features buck and stag contestants?
A. The Kentucky Deer-by.
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
"I lava you."
Knock knock. Who's there?
You're.
You're who?
You're single again.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
I finally decided to sell my vacuum. It was just gathering dust.
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
Do you climb? Because baby I can be your rock
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
What's the opposite of urine?
I'm out.
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
What was the shark’s favorite Tim Burton film?
Edward Scissorfins.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.
I want to stick to you like glucose.
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
You look like my future ex wife.
I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
Milk aliens have landed. They said 'take me to your litre'.