It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches

“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner

What do you call a Minotaur in a playground?
A swing and a myth.

There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...

A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”

What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.

I read dead people.

Time to celery-brate.

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."

There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.

"If I Were In Charge Of The World"

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

– Judith Viorst

What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.

There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.

What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma

What do you call a fruity pop star? Katy Peary.

If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.

What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.

You look so sweet that you're giving me a cavity.

My psychiatrist sent me for an MRI because she thinks I have a magnetic personality.

What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.

What does a bee use to brush it's hair ?
A Honeycomb.

What dinosaur knows a lot of synonyms? A thesaurus.

Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean

Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

Where do ghosts go trick or treating? Dead ends.

Do you have a map? Because I just got lost in your eyes.

I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.

I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.

Frankenstein wasn’t very compliant.
He was mad and annoyed and defiant.
But he happened to pass
Anger management class —
And turned into The Jolly Green Giant!

What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"

Let’s put our tulips together.

My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.

What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!

So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.

Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.

What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.

The great Greek grape growers grow great Greek grapes.

Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece

What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.

The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

"Stop and smell the rosé."

Don’t give into beer pressure.

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
"No sun."

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.

It is not really much about how you bowl, but instead how you roll.

Why are alligator comedians so funny?
Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!

What did the husband beaver say to the wife beaver to express his love and gratitude? You are the one for me, waddle I do without you?

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.