Fall is a-maize-ing.
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
If home is where the heart is, then my home is in you.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
Why did the blonde volleyball player end up getting fired from her waitressing job? Someone said she needed to serve the food.
Excuse me! Do you know where’s the Victoria's Secret shop in this mall? You look like one of their models!
What does a monster wear when it rains?
His ghoul-oshes!
How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
"Do I love you? My god, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches."
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride
If you were a function, then you’d be my asymptote ’cause I always tend toward you!
What do you call Chewbacca when you have chocolate stuck in your hair?
chocolate chip wookiee.
Treat yo'elf.
This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
Better read than dead.
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
The weatherman said it might get a bit drizzly outside.
You can expect a Lil’ Wayne.
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
You’ve got more curves than a cross country track.
I yam what I yam.
Your name must be Candy- cuz you look so sweet.
What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
Do you like short love affairs? I hate them - I've got all weekend.
"Hey there, hop stuff."
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
My divorce attorney
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business