Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.

World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.

What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).

How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.

My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”

What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.

What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain

I wish I was an ion, so I could form an exothermic bond with you.

What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"

Knock, knock,
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!

Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare

What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer

Love me do

The baby crow decided to dress up as his favorite vegetable on Halloween, he dressed up as a caw-liflower.

I imagined I saw a rainbow but it must have been a pigment of our imagination.

Icy what you did there!

What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur

Did You Hear About The Duck Who Thought He Was a Squirrel?
It was one tough nut to quack.

I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.

There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed

In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn

He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate

In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved

As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided

What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score

Now one hundred and forty-nine years

Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.

I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.

How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.

What did the drum say about his childhood?
Those were the cymbaler days.

What goes eek, eek, bang?
A mouse in a minefield!

What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.

Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.

Forget about Spider man, Batman, or Superman. I’ll be your man.

“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous

Dear Dog

You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose

Take a pitcher. It'll last longer.

Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!

What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.

When the ghost saw his wife he said 'you're not just cute, you're boo-tiful too!'

What do you call a werewolf with no legs?
Anything you like – he can’t chase you.

You looked better when I was drunk.

Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.

It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.

What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !

A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."

It's okay password...
...I'm insecure too...

Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.

What happened when an icicle landed on the skier's head?
It knocked him out cold!

There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.

The hipster beaver denied swimming in the river. He said it was too main-stream.

“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”

- Buddy Hackett.

Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.

You’re so stunning even the Language Police are speechless.

"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley