What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!
I sulfur when you argon.
Gold riddance.
We’ve got serious chemistry.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
I value my breath so it would be nice if you didn't take it away every time you walked past.
What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.
An Australian army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.
I’ve been getting blitzed all game
Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?
The Cherokees.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
What is the capital of Greece?
G.
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
Ireland is a little lamb-boyant.
Hey Anna, how about you Anna I grab a drink sometime?
After graduating from high school, crows go to caw-lleges for further studies.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
Never has there been a more romantic story than how those two geologists met.
It was lava at first sight.
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fossil
Fossil who?
Fossil last time, open the door!
What's a doctor hope to gain from a urine test?
Whizdom
As soon as I saw your face, I knew you weren’t just the average Jo
(While she’s leaving) "Hey, aren’t you forgetting something?"
Girl: "What?"
"Me."
Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
I was trying to come up with a witty pun but my brain was like Han,nah
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
Football is one habit I will never kick.
It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”
What is a dog’s favorite book?
Harry Paw-ter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.
Do you want some raisin? How about some jam to go with it.
What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-get-me-nots.
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
Do you find bone puns humerus?
You are my semicolon; always present in everything I do.
Which type of whale can fly?
Pilot whales.
What is it like to get paid smoldering at the camera while wearing expensive clothes?