What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!
How do you throw a space party? You planet.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Treat yo shelves.
Which classical Greek may have actually invented baseball?
Homer.
Car Salesman: And if you don't like this color, we have another one in "Boulder Gray"
Me: Gray isn't very bold to begin with, how did you make it bolder?
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
Why are hot dogs angry? Because they are always getting roasted.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!
Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
Why don’t Alpacas like singing with background music?
They prefer to sing alpacapella.
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
If I gave you my shoe, would you step into my life?
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Mustache.
Mustache who?
Mustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
I bet you’re Ethan better in person
Why are elves so cold at Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrr.
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
Sad to hear that Baron von Frankenstein has given up on his dream of being an actor.
He couldn’t get the parts.
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.