Hey baby, wanna violate the Pauli Exclusion Principle with me?
I hope to someday be your emergency contact...
The artist shouldn't have taken that sculpture for granite, now it's stone-cold.
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
Today, my arm got pinned between my wife's chest and the chair.
It was booby trapped.
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koalafications.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Howl.
Howl who?
Howl you know if you don't open the door?
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
I’m in such a Henri to get to France!
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
Have you seen the new movie with the Dachshund?
Apparently it’s an Oscar Weiner.
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
Heisenberg was wrong. I'm certain about what you're doing tonight.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.
I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.
When they want to relax, ghosts have a boo-ble bath.
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
Do you want to dance?
Yeah, sure.
Great, then I can sit there.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.