“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
How much does a polar bear weight? Enough to break the ice!
I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
4G, or not 4G, that is the question.
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
Someone just stole some grass from my garden.
Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf.
Have you ever driven a boat? Try to park it on my dock.
Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
Happy Valentine's Day!
I hope your day starts off with a bang!
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.
You Eliza-bet I’m asking you out right away
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison?
A Hensemble.
Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
Girl you are rocking this run.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
These thousand tricky tongue twisters trip thrillingly off the tongue.
I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.
You need to go out on a date with me right now. Alex-plain later
Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
Your clothes would look better accelerating towards the floor at 9.8 m/s.
Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
What do you call a sketchy looking Bigfoot?
A Susquatch.
You must be a flip turn because I’m head over heels for you.
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
The Azteca Stadium in Mexico has been so neglectfully maintained that there are foot-long grasses on the pitch. Now we call it the Grass-teca Stadium.
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.
He is Polly-Amorous.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
Girl you are like the sweet song of a choir.