Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
People keep asking me why I’m working for Dr. Frankenstein.
I’m just trying to make a living.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
Your treat or mine?
A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you
Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
You feta have a gouda birthday.
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
What do you call a Mexican bear with a rubber toe?
Robearto.
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
My computer wants to build a snowman.
It's frozen.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
He’s not a bad dog.
He’s just a little ruff around the edges.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
I love my bed, but I'd rather be in yours.
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
Did you know Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol?
Her name was Onya Marx.
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.
Would you call a hardy unicorn that survived disease an immunicorn?
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Oh wow sorry – I just got l’Austin your eyes.
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
Have you ever seen a catfish? No, how did he hold the rod and reel?
What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
Where did the computer go to dance? To a disc-o.
Girl are we doing high altitude training because you just took my breath away!
What's more impressive than a talking fish?
A spelling bee.
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
I’d love to spend some time Matthew
Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.
Have you ever wondered which part of the flamingo has the most feathers? I found out once – turns out it’s the outside.
Why won't prison life be much different from playing for the Bills? OJ will still have big guys opening holes for him.