Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.
Why was the crocodile invited to glamorous parties?
Because she was a snappy dresser.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Déjà.
Déjà who?
Knock Knock!
King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!
(by Robert Z)
I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
Why don’t giraffes do drugs?
Because they’re naturally high.
Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
It’s never great taking a truck driver to the cinema to watch a film. They only really like the trailers.
How do beavers make a bouncy dam? Well, they use spring water.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don't eat with your mouth full!
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"
What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
What might folks in Tokyo find between Godzilla's toes?
Slow runners.
What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
Why did the mushroom need time off work? Because he was fried.
What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet