Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!
Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
Why did the penguin cross the road?
To go with the floe!
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.
Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?"
Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
What did the minotaur say to the real estate agent?
- Amazing.
What did the pinecone say to the pineapple? Nice to meet juice.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
Cheesy Valentines Day Sayings
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
What board game do deer families always play?
Buck-gammon.
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
Do you have a pencil? Cause I want to erase your past and write our future.
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
What did daddy ghoul say to his youngest son?
Stop ghouling around!
Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
You're acute Valentine.
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
From the moment I saw you, I knew I would be spending the rest of my life trying to avoid you.
"Maybe this is not the right time for us"
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
As long as your dog sticks by your side.
Anything is paw-sible.
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.
Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor as his assistant?
He had a hunch about him.
I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
I think we Anthon-eed to get to know each other soon