Were you forged by Sauron? Because baby, you're precious.
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
I was born in the wild but for you I would be domesticated.
You can stop running after your dreams. I am right here.
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the the peep hole and find out.
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
What do you call a werewolf who doesn't know he's a werewolf ?
Unawarewolf.
What is a zombie that speaks two languages?
Zombilingual.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells…
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
What’s happens to the sportiest horse?
It gets to be first horse-pick of the draft.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
Knock knock!
Who is there?
Beaver
Beaver who?
Be-ware of the turbulent river.
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
I was so tired. I needed a sea-esta on the beach.
Where do you go to learn how to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
Let’s go to my place. I’d like to show you my puck collection.
What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
Why did the dolphin blush?
Because it saw the ocean’s bottom!
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
From the moment I saw you, I knew I would be spending the rest of my life trying to avoid you.
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!