What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.
Are you Siri? As a result of your autocomplete feature
Oof – is the Erin here really fresh or is that just you?
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
What took you so long? I've been Kuwait-ing for you my whole life.
What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
Now and (Jay)den I like to make the first move
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
Are you an onion? Cause I want to peel your layers.
Are you a practice room? Because I want you and I hope you're not taken
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.
Will you be the Flin to my Flon?
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
What sign was posted in the witches' parking lot?
Violators will be toad.
Hey I hope you don’t mind me messaging you… something about you just seemed very Amy-cable
Why was the doctor’s favorite patient a cat? Because she has nine lives!
He’s an elf-made man.
Do you need more sugar or am I sweet enough?
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
You warm my heart more than the salted caramel hot chocolate on a cold winter day.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
Which dinosaur slept all day ? The dino-snore!
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?
A Soviette.
When finally the encyclopedia on mushrooms was out, it was given the title ‘A Fungi-de to the Mushrooms’.
Why shouldn't you be too inquisitive with a cherry? Ask no questions tell no pies.
What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
"Your kisses are to dye for."
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.
Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft.
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.