I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn’t that funny So I just snickered.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
Flamingos are great at social events; they flamingle really well.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
Hey, I found you! You are the girl of my dreams.
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
Q. What do you get if you cross a deer with an Aussie Joey?
A. A buck-er-roo.
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
What do teenage deer do at slumber parties?
Truth or deer.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.
I saw a squirrel running in circles in my yard today…
I think it lost its nuts.
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
What did the baby chicken say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?
Dad, look what marma-laid!
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
Why did the optimistic electrician lose his job?
He kept on turning negatives into positives.
What is Jack Frost’s favourite mode of transport?
A Tr-Ice-cycle
Are you a bowl of Lucky Charms? Because you appear to be magically delectable!
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
Are you Jewish? Cause you IS RAELI HOT.
What do you do with a green ghoul?
Wait until it ripens!
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
What did the tailor think of her new job? It was sew sew.
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
I’m currently reading a book on anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put it down.
My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.
Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day.
What was Moses' favorite color?
Red, see?
I like milk and cookies but I would rather have you.
Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!
You're like my tea: Hot and British!
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content.
A coronaissance, if you will.
People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite drink?
A juice pouch.
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.