“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown

I'm not like other keyboards...
I'm qwerty

What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.

A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.

What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.

Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.

Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.

What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns

What do you call fake oranges?
“Pulp Fiction”

What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!

My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!

I'm snow bored.

“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”

I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.

My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.

The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.

Without you, my life is as empty as the supermarket shelf.

Sorry, But You Owe Me A Drink. Well, When I Saw You, I Dropped Mine.

It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.

What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."

What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"

What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.

My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.

My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!

Did you hear about the one-legged gnome?
He’s one foot tall.

Pretty lady, I guess wishes do come true, seeing as a boy like me met a a girl like you.

What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.

I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.

“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”

- Marshall McLuhan.

What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix

In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.

“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.

Are you the opening night? Because you make me nervous.

What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!

“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams

Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!

When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Where do crabs invest their money?
A sea bank.

I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean
But it was too Tsunami.

What does a witch get if she crosses a black cat and a lemon?
A sour puss.

I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.

What our parents tortoise was to be kind to each other.

Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape

Can February March? No. But April May.

"My Missing Shoe"

I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?

Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs.