Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cow marijuana?
The steaks are too high.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
When you cross a plane and a snake, you will end up with a Boeing Constrictor.
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
"Roses are red, violets are blue. We're breaking up beacause I never loved you."
Why do you bring fish to a party?
You bring fish to a party because they go well with chips!
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?
The Bartender.
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? At the dino-shore
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
What do you call a buffet for sheep?
All you can bleat!
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
Are you Medusa? When you looked at me the world seem to stop.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
A company from Israel took over the Greek national cheese factory in Greece
Now it's called the Cheeses of Nazareth.
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
You're my eggnog: sweet, chill, and delish.
The pool water isn’t very hot but you sure are.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
Are you a thief? Because you stole a year of my life.
Is it true what they say about the size of a man’s canine teeth?
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.
Did you hear about the croc and rooster that had a kid together?
It was a crocadoodledoo.
Do you have a name you want me to save you as on my phone or should I just put 'mine'?
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than se*?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef
What is a Ghost’s favourite treat? Ice-scream floats.
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
I got arrested for the way I eat corn.
They charged me with a salt and buttery.
Where do vampire bats go to take out a loan?
To the blood bank.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.