Girl, your personality is so magnetic I think our protons are in alignment.
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
What did the teenage crow want for his birthday? A brand new caw!
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Babe, your beauty makes the morning sun look like the dull glimmer of the moon.
How do you shoot a three-headed ghoul?
Bang! Bang! Bang!
If you were a Transformer you'd be Optimus Fine!
Where do werewolves hate shopping?
The flea market.
A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
How will you come to know when the moon will go broke? It would happen when moon is down to its last quarter.
What does a mountain often do at its daily meal? It avalunch.
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
Would you sit on my feet while I do push ups?
My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
Some see a puddle of mosquito larva.
I see a pool of enbitenment.
What’s black and white and yellow?
A cowardly panda.
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
Two tiny tigers take two taxis to town.
“I only like lemons,”
Said Michael zestfully.
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
The khaki in my shirt brings out the color in your eyes.
Are you a Gingersnap/Eggnog Latte? Because I want to bring you home for the holiday.
I only have ice for you.
Are you epinephrine? ‘Cause baby, you make my heart race….
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
If you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple.
I have a personal rule to never eat chocolate alone.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
Are you a corn farmer? Because I'm stalking you
I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.