What did the swimming pool say to the skimmer?
Leaf me alone!
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
I know you don’t Naomi, but I hope you will soon
The boot black brought the black boot back.
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
Why did the pig break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was a boar.
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
A friend of mine is his team's best footballer on paper. Unfortunately, they play most of their games on grass.
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
You can have that last bag of chips if I can bag your number.
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
My biology class was going on and on, and I was stuck in the middle of it. Well, you know, this is how it feels to be an on-i-on.
Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.
Man: Baby, your body is a wonderland!
Woman: That's funny, because yours is a wasteland!
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
Why do gorillas have really big fingers?
Because they have really big nostrils!
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
Nice beach balls, can I play?
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout Thursday.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
I didn't know angels flew this low.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
Are you at the Chanel store? Because you are way too fancy for me.
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
It started raining coins outside today.
I guess it’s just climate change.
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.