What do you call a communist vampire?
A red blood count.

“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason

“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey

My favorite attractive force is Van der Waal's force. Can you feel it? I'll move closer if you can't.

You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Jamaican.

Jamaican who?

Jamaican me horny.

Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”

Why do volleyball players join the military? They want to gain extra experience in the service.

I'm an endurance athlete. Think you can stand the HIIT?

I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.

What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?

A stick.

What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.

“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”

– John Ruskin

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln

What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?

A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.

“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”

“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.

“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”

You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body.
In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!

What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?

How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.

How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.

Alzheimer's Center Prepares For An Affair To Remember.

Why did the frog lose his job on the mushroom farm? He stole the toads-tool.

I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”

How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.

Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.

"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."

What’s a spiders favorite barbecue food?
Corn on the cobweb.

What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.

Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.

How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.

Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? Because he's a fun-gi.

Which birds are good at holding things together?
Velcrows.

You can toast my marshmallows anytime.

Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)

Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.

Some pink birds can be really rude. I approached a group of them the other day and they screamed “Flamingo away!”

"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"

When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.

No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.

We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.

She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.

– Kenn Nesbitt

I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!

Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.

It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.

Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.

What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff! Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.

What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.

It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.

What type of elements know everybody on earth?
Met-all.

Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.