“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
It was the pie piper who had led the strawberries to the bakery.
Halloween is over. Why are you still dressed as an angel?
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
My game is just like Alexander Keith's: "Those who like it, like it a lot."
A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
If you were a basketball, I'd never pass because I want to keep you all to myself.
Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants!
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.
Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
I like my matches like my tennis balls: Pressureless.
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
Every time I passed a ring-shaped coral reef with a coral rim that encircles a lagoon, I had to pay a fee. It was atoll.
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
You’re the pumpkin pie of my eye.
What's a pickle's life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one!
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
Just like a blue supergiant star, you’re exceedingly hot and extremely bright.
What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid
Hey baby, wanna witness a gamma ray burst?
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
What do you name a synthetic parrot?
PollyEster
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
Where are sharks from?
Finland!
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
I went into the library and asked for pint of milk. The librarian said 'this is a library'. So i whispered 'I'd like a pint of milk please'.
Just like I never play with poop, I promise you that I will never play with your heart.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
The artist shouldn't have taken that sculpture for granite, now it's stone-cold.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."