Why did Billy make a bunch of snowmen to be his friends?
Because he wanted to hang with the cool kids!
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
Where did the deer go to fix its tail?
The re-tail shop.
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.
When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.
It's so cold that you have to break the smoke off your chimney.
"I took a gamble and chose you, now i believe I made a bad bet."
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
Girl, you give me the butterflies.
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
What's a frog's favorite flower?
A croakus.
I put the ‘laid’ in Adelaide.
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.
I never knew how lightning worked
Thats until it finally struck me.
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
I’d be Madeline if I didn’t say I was dying to get to know you
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
Did you hear about the Heisman Trophy candidate who falsified his rushing stats?
The yards were stacked in his favor!
Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.
Dreaming in color is the artist's pigment of imagination.
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
What do you call a Minotaur in a playground?
A swing and a myth.
What did the annoyed peach say to the mango?
Man-go away!
Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.
Six slimy snails sailed silently.
This is too cliché, dear, but this is what I really feel, I love you to the moon and back.Copy0
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft