Whatever floats your goat.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said "Sshhhhhh!" I asked "is that all lower case?"
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman?
Frostbite.
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
What did the chicken do when his shop caught on fire?
He egg-xited..
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
After hearing about my history major, my dad said, “You should go visit Italy in late August.Then you can witness The Fall of Rome."
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head because it's capsized.
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
How can astronauts get more protein in their diet? They make it meteor.
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
One day, a father was washing a car with his son...
The son asks, "why can't we just use a sponge?"
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
What do you call a Rabbi who works with solvents?
An acidic Jew.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man.
My shrink says I'm just being self centaured.
What do grizzlies use in the shower?
Bear conditioner.
Even though there's no ball game on tonight, we can still slam it.
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
When a mountain falls sick, it tells the doctor that he's feeling really very, very hill.
May I ride your broomstick? I lost mine.
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.