What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.
Mmm baby! You’re decomposing in ALL the right places!
Man: I've lost my phone number can I have yours?
Woman: Sure, my number is 911-8473 (works better if you write it down)
Is your name Scarlett? Because when I saw you my heart was gone with the wind.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.
Did you hear about the cows struck by lightning?
They were completely cattletonic!
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
What did the deer say to his friend who has slipping down the mountain?
Hang on for deer life!
"Little Boy Blue"
Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.
Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!
– Darren Sardelli
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
How about a little roll in the Bakery Department?
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
I saw a guy trying to cross a really busy street. Trying to be helpful, I said, “You know, there is a zebra crossing 50ft ahead.”
He said, “I hope he’s having a better luck than I am.”
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!
Why can I not make jokes about the recent attacks in France?
Because jokes are all about execution.
What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I'd like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.
Do those legs go all the way? Because you should use them to go away.
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
That’s a beautiful dog. Does she have a phone number?
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
Why was the cat kicked out of the game? They thought she was a cheetah.
What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? Tomato-saurus
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
I think we need to become better strangers.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana
Can I bother you for an aspirin tablet? Just looking at you from across the room is giving me heart-related pains.
Your gravitational pull is irresistible!
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.