I drank alot of alcohol at the airport last night.
I now have a terminal hangover.
You have changed my world to polar coordinates. Complex and imaginary things now have a magnitude and direction.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
Look into my compound eyes and say you'll eat our young.
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
I’m not part of the Prohibition Movement. You can speakeasy to me.
Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
You’ve been here for short while, but my heart is beating really fast and I can feel some surface tension between us.
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
Did you hear of the new disease going through France?
I've heard it was a Paris-ite.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
There's nothing humble about my warrior.
The ocean made me salty.
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.
My son asked me, what’s a Greek urn?
I said, “about 20 drachmas a day.”
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.
Hey girl, are you gold? Because I'm in Au of your beauty.
Have you found the center of gravity yet? It’s the letter v.
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
I bet you’re Ethan better in person
Hey girl. Feel my sweater. Know what it’s made of? Husband material.
Got any raisins? No? Then how about a date?
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
The phone rings, and a crow picks it only to find out it’s for her husband. She then says: "Hey John, you have a phone caw."
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
Believe in your elf.
Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
Is there something in your eye? Oh, wait, it's just a sparkle.
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
What sound does it make when an ogre eats a witch for breakfast?
Snap cackle n' pop
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus