“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
What kind of sandwich does Kissy the Elf like for lunch?
A wrap!
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
What do you call a T-Rex that gets into a fight with the Indominus Rex? Dino-sore.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
What kind of music do goats listen to?
Baaa-ch!
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
Are you Messi? 'Cause you look ike you'd never miss
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
If looks could kill you, you’d surely be a weapon of mass destruction.
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
A local farmer has trained his pigs to perform ballet.
I’m going to see their production of swine lake.
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
I want to ask you out, but I’ve got butterflies in my stomach. And worms. And maggots…
Pizza: the only time top-less isn't fun
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
Are you a compound of beryllium and barium? Because you’re a total BaBe.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
Why did the orange go to the doctor?
“It wasn’t peeling well.”
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
Would you allow me to experience what’s beyond your Event Horizon?
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!
Why did the poor werewolf chase his own tail?
He was trying to make ends meet.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
The healthy soup recipe was suggested to us by the nutritionist. It soup-erseded the old unhealthy creamy soup we used to have for dinner.
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear
What is the best way to make gold soup? By adding 22 carrots in it.
How does a Snowman get to work?
By icicle.
Do you want to try my soup? I have enough for broth of us!
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.