"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
How can a camel walk the desert without getting hungry? Because of all the sandwhiches there.
The mothership has returned and I must leave.
What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.
How does a Snowman get to work?
By icicle.
I find my core strength in you.
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
He was going to sleep in a bucket of ice.
But then he got cold feet.
What always goes up whenever the rain comes down? An umbrella.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
Why did the pianist quit playing the piano?
Bad Bach.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
The river turned out to be a great party guy because he just went with the flow.
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
Me: I'll have a Corona please.
Waiter: *Cough*
Me: Thank you.
If a flower grew every time you’d cross my mind, I’d have a field of flowers.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
What do you call a silly werewolf in Australia ?
A dingo-ling
If you were a math test, I would cheat on you.
Mmm baby! You’re decomposing in ALL the right places!
The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
How do you pronounce Jasmine? Because in my head it’s “Jas-MINE”.
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?
A Soviette.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
A ghost's favourite pie flavour is boo-berry.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
People tell me I have a good breaststroke, but I'd say I'm a pretty good swimmer too.
What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!