Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
I'm going to start watching my caffeine intake because baby you make my heart palpitate.
I went to see the Liberty Bell the other day.
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?
"Do not consume if seal is broken."
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I’d be in a higher tax bracket.
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
Q: What did the old orange see before it died?
A: The grim ripe-r.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
Why are beavers only found in freshwaters? Because they don't like stale water.
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
What do you call a mouse that doesn't eat, drink, or even walk? A computer mouse.
A bunch of chill-dren from the neighborhood played all afternoon in the snow.
How do crazy runners go through the forest?
They take the psychopath!
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
Which is a Ghost’s favourite cheese? Ghoul-da Cheese.
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Theres a party in my pants and your invited.
If you can’t decide which side to take to Thanksgiving.
Bringing your side piece is guarenteed to cause drama.
Easter is grammatically incorrect.
We should say more east.
What do you call an ant from overseas?
Import-ant.
My real costume is at home in a box under my bed.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better
What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flaminghost.
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
Walk by a girl and say "Are you looking at me? And if she says no say "Damn!" You had me at your impeccable spelling and correct use of grammar.
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gnome.
Gnome who?
Gnome sweet gnome.
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
What title did the car have in the Navy?
Rear window Admiral.
He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.