Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?

What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."

I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!

“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown

I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.

Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.

Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.

What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!

What do you call Bears without ears
B.

What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.

How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.

What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gator.

What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!

Which dog won the race? A weiner dog.

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck

When a dinosaur gets a goal in a soccer tournament, it is known as a dino-score.

A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."

“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald

A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.

How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.

Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.

The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.

Would you sit on my feet while I do push ups?

Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.

"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie

My exotic bird challenged me to a game of chess
I told him, "Toucan play at that game."

Where do vampire bats go to take out a loan?
To the blood bank.

You're my eggnog: sweet, chill, and delish.

"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison

I heard there are names that can be impossible to make puns out of, say its not Zoey!

I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.

I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”

Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?

Hey, how’ve you Ben?

“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke

Milk does the body good, but damn how much did you drink?

What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!

When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.

There's snow place like the mountains in winter.

Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.

What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Gosh, don’t cry it’s just a knock knock joke.

How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.

I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.

Why don’t giraffes do drugs?
Because they’re naturally high.

"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"

Why d‌‌oes N‌‌orth K‌‌orea e‌‌xcel a‌‌t d‌‌rawing s‌‌traight l‌‌ines?
Because t‌‌hey h‌‌ave a‌‌ s‌‌upreme r‌‌uler.

Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.

What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.

What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.

These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.

It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.

- Janice Canerdy