When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."
What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
If I live to a hundred and two, I won't let nobody sting me but you
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
There's something wrong with my phone. It doesn't have your number in it.
Did you just swallow a magnet? Because I’m so attracted to you right now.
A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia were visiting Australia.
Unfortunately, one day they got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and eaten by a pair of crocodiles.
The female ate the Frenchman.
The Czech was in the male.
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
Rebel without a Claus.
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
I would give anything to be your personal item.
I love all of your stratified layers!
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
Why was there no food left at the Halloween party?
Because everyone was a goblin.
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky!
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
I’m stuck on you like igloo.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!
(Unknown)
What squeaks as it solves crimes?
Miami mice!
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.
Even after a decade or two, I think we will all remember this year forever.
I mean, hindsight is 2020.
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.