People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
Where do beavers keep their money? Well, they keep it in the riverbank.
Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!
I beat the raining champion.
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the Woodpecker would peck 'er.
Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.
Jack is a lovable man with a colorful personality. He is a great hue-man.
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
Do you know what I did last night? I put Easter eggs in a heart shape for you to find!
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
You mermaid to go far.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.
What is a crocodiles favourite dessert?
Brandy snaps.
My real costume is at home in a box under my bed.
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
Listen to them, children of the night. Let’s give them some competition.
What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.
Are you Australia? Cause your geographical location is hot.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
Fir sure.
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
I’d like to throw away my old can, but my pusher friend here says he loves junk balls.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
What do you call a criminal vampire?
A fangster.
I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
What do fish use to weigh themselves?
Scales!
Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.
You're a beluga in this sea of cod.
Did you hear about the elf who was a little hard of hearing?
She had to keep saying "Sleigh, what?"
"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.
She’s an Opthemallogist.