I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
I have a lot of respect for fans of football teams that consist of only ghosts
They have a lot of spirit.
"I took a gamble and chose you, now i believe I made a bad bet."
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
Are you an exception? I bet I can catch you.
Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.
What sport do wasps love?
Sting-pong.
I want a taste of your Milky Way.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
Are you looking for a shallow relationship?
What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?
Ones a crustaecian and the other is a crushed Asian.
What kind of gang violence is common among owls?
A drive by hooting.
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
"I'm an Easter eggs-pert."
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
If you were a burger at McDonald's, you'd be named McStunning.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!
Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.
What is a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet.
The closer we came to the alley, the louder the bowling thunder.
I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.
Just like Evan, this match is also the cure
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
Two astronauts who were dating, met up for a launch date.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
Are you Rudolph’s red nose? Because baby, I would say you glow.
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.