There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
My doctor says I should get my ears cleaned every 12 months.
I think he means ear-ly.
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
But it's up there.
An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.
The ref better give me 2 for hooking, 'cause baby I'm hooked on you.
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
What happens when Greeks come back from war?
They get a gyro’s welcome.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.
How do berries start off the fruity olympics? They cherry the Olympic torch around the globe.
We make a great pear
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses.
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
Do you know how to drive stick? Because I sure as hell do.
Hey, you're pretty and I'm cute. Together we'd be pretty cute
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom? Dam right they are.
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
I was so tired. I needed a sea-esta on the beach.
Best in snow.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
[Beer] This is my number one draft pick.
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.