I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
"Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you"
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
The rancher's Wifi wasn't working so he moved the router to the barn...
Now he has a stable connection
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
What did the conifer say when he finally got alone with his crush? It’s just yew and me, baby.
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!
What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.
What is a birch’s favorite dinosaur? The Tree
Rex.
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
She couldn't find the "10" button.
A man walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a Corona please, hold the virus."
Did you overstay your visa? Because you got 'fine' written all over you
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
"Eggs love you."
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.
Baby, meeting you was better than an NHL lockout ending.
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
Let’s list the froze and cons.
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
What did the llama say when he found out he had been robbed?
“I’ve been fleeced!”
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
The collective noun for kangaroos is a "troop". What is the collective noun for cars?
A Lot
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Sir.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? Anything you like, he won't hear you!
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.