Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
Two snowmen were standing in a yard. One asked the other, "Do you smell carrot?" The other snowman replied, "No, but I can taste coal."
Let's play a game called TV, I turn your knobs and you watch my antennae rise.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
My pink bird friend got dumped a while ago. He was sad for a while, but now he’s singe and ready to flamingle.
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.
In Spain, you should not develop a program beyond 2.0.
Because that would be over dos.
Are your mathematics? I want to solve you.
The next round the wolf showed up at the butchery, he was arrested. This is because he was being tracked by the police for chop lifting.
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
I now believe in Angels.
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
I don't work at this store, but may I be of assistance to you anyway?
With conjunctions, you and I can be together.
If you were a fishing fly you'd be 'irresistible'.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
What do elves eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!
Believe in your elf.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
I don't mean to brag, but I'm one of the fastest speed-readers in the tri-county area.
Are you a break stroker? Because you make my knees weak.
Hey cutie, I Sense you have a lot of Sensibility. Was that too Austen-tatious of me to point out?
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
Hey Pumpkin, I just wanted to say that I'm done with having Halloween every day.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
What do you call a crab that throws things?
Lobster
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
The perfect name for a pig that plays basketball is a ball hog.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
Just so you know I have a ref full of chocolate, a couch and good films at my house.
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!