What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
It is now a universal truth that actions speak louder than coaches.
I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.
I have these chicken n_ggets. Now all I need is U!
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
Hmm, there seems to be a kiss of mint in this blend. How about a real kiss, just to be sure?
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
Are you a dog? Because I'd like to throw you a bone.
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
I whisper my sins to crows
So my parents can't hear me confess to a murder
What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
If I said I'd like to score on you tonight would you think I was being too forward?
When I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flower, my teacher said I was the perfect roll-model.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
My pants are approaching escape velocity.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence
Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.
Forget Santa, you’re on my nice list.
If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
Tell me of this thing you humans call... (dramatic pause) love.
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
I'm tired of this old broom. Got anything else I can ride?
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
What did bacon say to tomato? Lettuce get together.
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
What do you call a gorilla with no arms?
An ape-utee
Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
He was going to sleep in a bucket of ice.
But then he got cold feet.
Your name must be Candy- cuz you look so sweet.
Are you Australia? Cause your geographical location is hot.
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes!
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
What is a dog’s favorite vegetable? A collie flower.
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
Q. Which Louisville race exclusively features buck and stag contestants?
A. The Kentucky Deer-by.
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
Want to be workout buddies?