When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
There is a rule that cats can shed hair on anything in the house… It is called fur-niture for a reason!
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
Hey beautiful! Your face is like a moon. Always glowing.
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
Call me Hamstring, 'cause you've pulled.
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
Why did the bus stop in the middle of the street? It saw a zebra crossing.
Date a soccer player. We can go for 90 minutes and know 11 different positions.
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
Hey baby, wanna violate the Pauli Exclusion Principle with me?
What did the married deer couple say to each other? I love you deer-ly!
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
Flamingos are pretty good at ideas… They have a lot of experience with formation.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?
Lucky.
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
What did the nectarine boxer say to his opponent? "You want a peach of me?"
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
Whoever slit the sheets is a good sheet slitter.
How could you tell the horse was getting old?
It was wither-ing away.
What Do You Call A Clever Duck?
A wise quacker
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
Do you beer-lieve in magic?
If everything in life passes, why do not you pass me your WhatsApp?
"The pursuit of happiness" means it's cool to hit on you, right?
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
Who wears red and brings catnip to sleeping kittens? Santa Claws!
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
What do you call a hippie's wife?
A Mississippi.
Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration, a guy sticks his location in a girl’s destination, to increase the population for the next generation. Did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
"Our relationship is like a fat guy."
"What?"
"It's not working out."
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”