What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
If we are both math majors, then why is there so much chemistry between us?
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
What kind of whale can fly?
A Pilot whale.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
Why did the vegan get fired ?
His job performance did not meat expectations.
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
What did one cloud of fog say to the other?
I don’t know. It’s a mistery.
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
---
"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
What do you get if you cross a wasp with a doorbell?
A hum-dinger!
You must put a lot of spices in your food because you look smoking hot.
I froze some raspberries last summer. You're hot enough to defrost them.
Which author is anxious to write the book: Colorado Rockies, World Series Champs?
Ben Whayten.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
What is an evil dictator’s favorite type of weather?
A rain of terror.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
I was hoping you wouldn't block my pop-up. You must've been made by Intel to be that hot!
What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
Why can't Superman eat the corn tortillas at taco Tuesday?
He's afraid of that chip tonight.
Why are parrots the life of the party? Every day is their bird-day!
Are you a bowl of Lucky Charms? Because you appear to be magically delectable!
My Creeper gets excited when it sees how hot you look.(Minecraft)
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.
Did you heard about the zombie crow? He wants to eat your grains.