Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
This is too cliché, dear, but this is what I really feel, I love you to the moon and back.Copy0
Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
Stolen Painting Found By Tree
How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.
Why did the witch stay in a hotel during her travels?
She heard they had great broom service.
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
You feel like that old book tucked away in a corner – one look at it still makes my heart skip a beat.
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
You’re unbeleafable.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
Yo girl are you the 29th state added to America?
Because Iowanna be with anybody else
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
Even if I was T-Rex, I would find a way to hug you.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
---
You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
I got a valentine from a pickle today...
It meant a great dill to me.
Are you hypokalemia? Because you make me feel weak at the knees.
Me: When is your birthday?
She: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* When is your birthday?
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"
And optimist says "sure they can!"
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
Federer is such a legend that they named the Roger’s Cup, and Fed Cup after him.
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
My lead off's not great, and though I may be off base, I'd like to take you on a date.
I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar