What do you get when you cross a dog with a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
Where do the astronauts park their vehicles? At the parking meteors.
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."
I am sure it is not this jog, you definitely just took my breath away.
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.
What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
If you had eleven roses and you looked in the morror; then you'd see twelve of the most beatiful things in the world.
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.
What kind of fish will help you hear?
A herring aid!
Can’t pinch this.
Why are Catholics the best runners during the Easter season?
They fast during Lent!
Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel
What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.
I’m a 30-60-90 triangle and you’re a 40-40-90 triangle – we’re just right for each other.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
What do horses eat with their salad? Dressage-ing.
When winter comes, this town turns into an iceburg.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Amanda.
Amanda who?
Amanda lay you, your lonely nights are over.
Excuse me… Do these shoes make me look fast?
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
I’ve always been a trucker, but recently I applied for a job at Microsoft. I’ve heard they’re always looking for more drivers.
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
Hello Boo-tiful.