What type of pool do mechanics like best?
The car pool!
What do ghouls say to each other before heading out for Halloween?
May the ghouls be with you!
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
What do you call a penguin in a shell suit?
An egg.
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
I started dating her when she backed her car into mine at the mall.
I guess you could say we totally met by accident.
Are you heading to India? 'Cause I'd Goa anywhere with you!
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.
But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.
I'm from the Outback and I'd like to take you out back.
Who directs all of the movies about volleyball injuries? Spike Lee.
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Toucan.
Toucan who?
Toucan play at that game!
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
Hey cutie, I Sense you have a lot of Sensibility. Was that too Austen-tatious of me to point out?
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
Where do eggs go on holiday?
New Yolk.
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
I think you're barbe-cute.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
You know what you would look really beautiful in?
My arms.
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”
Do you wanna Ketchup over beer?
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
While rainbows must be many colors, they should always stay blue to themselves.
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
Why did the worm cross the playground?
To get to the underground slide!
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.