I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
Used to never be able to use the WiFi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
I really hate rock puns.
My sediments exactly.
A friend went in to his garden, dug a hole in the grass and filled it with water. I think he meant well.
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? Anything you want. He can't hear you.
How do Penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
I was gonna make a joke about Mediterranean food...
But hummus have missed the mark, and now I falafel.
Where does a 500-pound penguin sit?
Anywhere it wants.
What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?
Pork Chop
Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk
The Tsar Bomba, the most powerful nuclear explosive in recorded history, has an output of 57 megatons of TNT
And that pales in comparison to how much of a bombshell you are.
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
It’s a beautiful Degas!
What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
Do you use Spotify free? You should join my Premium Duo for all the features.
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
French, French Revolution
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar?
You clothes it.
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
You're like my tea: Hot and British!