What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!

Why did they arrest the volleyball player? They suspected foul play.

What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.

“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia

I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.

What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome

Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.

Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.

How do two flowers greet each other?
Hey bud, how’s it growing?

Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!

Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
He planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.

My brother has been riding a bicycle since he was 4 years old
Damn he must be very far away by now

Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.

I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.

Ravens fans are so tough....they hang out in crowbars.

How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.

Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile

I like my partners, like how i like my fast-food meals. Extra-large!

"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"

When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.

No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.

We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.

She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.

– Kenn Nesbitt

When shouldn't you drink a hot beverage? If it's not your cup of tea.

The painter loved to paint because he was drawn to art.

What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.

Two tiny tigers take two taxis to town.

I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.

What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor? Dino-sore!

The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.

What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.

“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan

What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T

Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.

Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.

Do you have a map? Because I just got lost in your eyes.

What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.

Are you a bookmark? Because I keep rereading the pages you are on!

Why don't we do it in the road?No one will be watching us

What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and Legs.

Are you my appendix? Because I don't understand how you work but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.

What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.

What happens if an owl doesn't wash?
It smells fowl.

“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson

My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.

What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass

I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.

What goes up when rain starts to come down?
Umbrellas.

Hey, let’s go out some time! Olly’ven pay for everything

Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!

What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.

The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.