I ain’t a personal trainer, but I can host a one-on-one workout !
We could do some cardio at your place
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
Your smile is brighter than the fireworks on the 4th of July.
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
I think there’s something wrong with my eye. I can’t take them off of you.
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
I'm not a very good swimmer, do you have any lifeguard experience?
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
You met all of my koala-fications
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
Your name must be Jelly... cuz jam don't shake like that.
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Pack your trunks – we’re having a pool party!
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
A kid is pouring himself some milk. His dad walks into the room and asked, "what kind of milk is that?" Kid says, "Soy milk". Dad replies with,
"Hola milk, soy dad."
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
I hope you're good at catching cause I'm starting to fall for you.
What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.