My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
Q. How do you start a letter written to Sears Roebuck?
A. Deer Sirs..
I earned money by selling broth. Now I am a bouillonaire.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open, so I knocked.
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!
Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
You can stand under my umbrella.
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
While it’s taking a while for the Corona virus to reach other countries, China got it right off the bat.
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
I just can't take the bad s*x anymore.
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
Where do fish sleep?
On a seabed, and sometimes they vacation at the river bed.
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
I'm going to combine my interests of taxidermy and bomb making
by making you an otter you can't defuse.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?
Because she went to woo Han.
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
Why did a pirate leave the boat to get his forgotten cell phone? Booty calls.
A bit late but here goes anyway: what do you call the elf who checks Santa's grammar?
A subordinate claus!
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
What’s a potato’s least favorite dance? The Mash Potato.
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant
Should we go out on Friday? Isla pick you up at 7.
I’m like the smell of chlorine – I’ll never leave you.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.