Why were the spruces in a group of three? They like to travel as a tree-o.
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
I want to stick to you like cyanoacrylate.
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
Why did the volleyball player join the marines? To serve our country.
I saw a guy trying to cross a really busy street. Trying to be helpful, I said, “You know, there is a zebra crossing 50ft ahead.”
He said, “I hope he’s having a better luck than I am.”
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
What do frogs drink?
Croak-a-cola.
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
It's ice to meet you.
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
I’m so lepre-gone right now.
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
You're acute Valentine.
How about we drop the gloves and go at it?
This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
Don't fork-get your manners.
Girl, your skin is so smooth, and you smell good just like some new shoes.
Your lab or my lab?
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
What type of car did the mushroom drive by in? A spores car.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
Do you have my other lung? Because I’ve been LUNG-ing for you.
Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies.
One of the punny pig names for a pig that loves Shakespeare is Hamlet.
In the history of bowling, there is one bowler who floats like a butterfly and stings pretty much like a bee. His name is Muhammad Alley.
Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep. The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south. These sheep shouldn’t sleep in a shack; sheep should sleep in a shed.
In the magazine polls held this fall, Autumn was declared as the cutest season because it's awwwtumn!
The walls in this tennis factory are so thin, that when I try to get some work done, all I hear is people making a racquet.
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
How can you make a computer system cry? Delete his cookies.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
I came, I thaw, I conquered.