My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?
Wayne Regretzky
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
Where did the computer go to dance? To a disc-o.
What did the fish say to the mermaid?
- Have a fintastic day!
Why couldn’t the clownfish buy a house?
The fish could not buy a house because he didn’t have an-e-mon-e!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koalafications.
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna
Why would you Mary Shelley when you could marry me?
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
I'd definitely let you join in my reindeer games.
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Isabell.
Isabell who?
Is a bell working?
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!
Why are people buying so much toilet paper because of the corona virus?
Because when one person sneezes, 100 people shit themselves.
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
Hey I love your shoes, they would look even better if they were running alongside me.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
Have you heard about the new book all about flamingos? Apparently it’s flying off the shelves.
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
What do you call a goat that lip-syncs?
Billy Vanilli.
Why do gnomes like baseball? Gnome Runs.
"Can you empty your pocket? I believe you have stolen my heart."
- Leverage
My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron
"My name is Khan, please sit and entertain me."
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?