"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
Did you know there are 206 bones in the human body? Would you mind one more?
A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad.
He thought the manager said “seize her salad”.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
I’m like a solar panel absorbing your radiant sunshine energy.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep.
How did the macho bee with eczema feel?
B-Itchy
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Nose.
Nose who?
I nose plenty more knock-knock jokes!
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
I had a job directing an elementary school theater production.
It wasn't hard work, after all, it was child's play.
Which dog won the race? A weiner dog.
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
Q. What did one artistic colored pencil say to another?
A. Bro, you are lookin' sharp today!
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
When you finish the lemons that life gives you;
Sublime.
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
Good gourd, pumpkin spice latte season is officially here.
Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
Snap chat.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
What’s an alligator’s favorite dip?
Croc-amole.