If you need to share out your to-do list, just be a dele-gator.
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
He achieved escape velocity.
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
What's a lion's favorite color?
ROARange
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
I really caribou-t you.
Q: What do you call a windmill swallowed up by a tornado?
A: A wind meal
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?
Because they’re “dramadairies”
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
Where do monkeys go when they lose their tails?
To a retailer.
Wow, wouldn’t mind if you became my significant otter.
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
I'm always really disappointed when I pull up to a yard sale...
And they aren't willing to sell me any of their yards.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Hi, I see that you're new to this gym, and I wanna be the first male to bother you.
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
I Tour de Francy you.
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
It’s worth a shot.
What goes up and down but doesn't move? The temperature!
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
Your name must be Calculus Homework, because I have no interest in doing you.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
Top 25 Funniest Duck Names:
1. James Pond
2. Quack Sparrow
3. Duck Norris
4 Quacks-a-Lot
5 Quackhead
6 Quacko
7. Quackers
8. Nutquacker
9. Quacker Jack
10. Quack Efron
11. Quack Black
12. Moby Duck
13. Quackula
14. Sir Duckington
15. Eggbert
16. Quackers
17. Duckleberry Finn
18. Quacker Jack
19. Lucky Duck
20. Cheese and quackers
21. Quaker Jack
22. Duckingham Palace
23.Waddles
24. Quackie Chan
25 Firequacker
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
I'm an endurance athlete. Think you can stand the HIIT?
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.