Irish you luck.
Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I run by again?
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
Do you need prayer?
Because I'm willing to lay hands on you.
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.
Bad puns are how eye roll.
I don't want to make the faux-paw of coming on strong, but your dog is so adorable, I couldn't resist.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.
Have you been to the doctor's lately? Cause I think you're lacking some vitamin me.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
When you cross a magician and an airplane, the result is a flying sorcerer.
The way you talk to me leaves me aphasic.
Hey pretty lady, let me take you out on a first date in the snow. I promise I’m not a flakey person.
You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!
Puns make me numb, but math puns make me...
Number.
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
Why did the girl decide to become an art dealer? Because she wanted more Monet.
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
You wanna score or just knock around some soccer balls?
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
Did you hear they are not making yardsticks any longer?
They’re not making them any shorter either.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
Is it true that a dinosaur won't attack if you hold a tree branch? That depends on how fast you carry it!
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
Where do beavers go for a hair cut? To the bobber shop.
What party game do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares!
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
I’m a small Irish creature who has been diagnosed with a serious sickness. It’s Leprechronic.
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
"Little Boy Blue"
Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.
Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!
– Darren Sardelli
What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
"Your kisses are to dye for."
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder