Girl, do you need to get your protein macros up? Because I'd gladly make you a drink

What do llamas always reply when you thank them?
No probllama.

Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!

If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life

What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.

Babe, are you Spotify? Because I would pay premium to spend uninterrupted time with you.

"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy

That elliptical isn't the only thing getting my heart rate up…

A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.

What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?

“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”

- Erma Bombeck.

Did you overstay your visa? Because you got 'fine' written all over you

Why are houseflies great at arithmetics? Because they multiply really fast.

I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.

What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.

Why was the glow worm unhappy ?
Because her children weren’t that bright !

Where you flying today? Because you landed in my heart.

There was an exotic pet race to take place.

Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"

The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:

"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."

"99 Dogs"

I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fossil
Fossil who?
Fossil last time, open the door!

Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.

What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?‬
Seasonings greetings.

In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.

"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence

It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.

Why do grizzlies never look sad?
Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.

Is your name flecainide? Because you just made my heart skip a beat.

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns

Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.

Do you want to be my lab partner? I think we could have some great chemistry together.

Why are there fish at the bottom of the sea?
Because they dropped out of school.

I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"

Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin

How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck

Nice beach balls, can I play?

My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.

What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.

People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.

You can hold my hand if you're afraid of camp fire stories.

What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
The Bogey.

What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
Running mates.

A prisoner was released from jail, he shouted "Yay I'm free I'm free!" A little boy yelled "So what I'm 4 I'm 4!"

A good workman doesn't blame his fools
\*tools.
Stupid keyboard.

Except the direction I'm walking in.

Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.

What do you call a baby owl stuck in the rain?
A moist owlette.

What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Kenya
Kenya who?
Kenya guess who is it?