"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
I want to be a drop of your blood, so I could travel your body and sleep in your heart.
Why wasn't the hunter allowed to bring his antelope and buffalo with him on the plane?
You're only allowed one carrion.
Q: What did the tooth say to the dentist as she was leaving?
A: Fill me in when you get back
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
Hey, do you wanna hear my text tone? Just message me and you’ll see how great it is.
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
I hear this house is haunted… we better stick together.
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.
Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Why did the T-Rex cross the road?
Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.
Do you believe in love at first set, or should we run it another time?
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.
What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
I'd run miles just to be with you.
It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
“How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!”
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!
You are so beautiful that you made me forget my pick up line.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
Hey, is your name daisy? Because I can’t resist the urge to plant you right over my heart.
Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor said: “I can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
Q. What did the mother doe name her new twin babies?
A. Bam B and Bam A.
Did you hear about the kangaroo with glasses?
He had to go to the hopthalmologist.
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!
What do we call a deer that wears a mask and refuses to tell its name?
“Anony – moose.”
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.
What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!