Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.

What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"

I'd drink your bathwater.

“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous

How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.

Are you a phone? Because I want to hold you in my hands all day and ignore the rest of the world while I stare at you alone in my bedroom.

What do you call a bear with no socks on? Bare-foot.

What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"

What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.

What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.

How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.

If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.

Why did Frankenstein’s monster go to a psychiatrist?
He thought he had a screw loose.

I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!

Hey babe, wanna make a zygote?

Are we going to do some gravity experiments? Okay, let’s test how fast I would free fall for you.

Why didn’t the skull go to the dentist?
It was too-th late.

“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky

Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum

What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”

How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.

What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.

A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."

Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.

Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.

Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!


Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly

(Jan Allison)

You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."

Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."

And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."

(Martin Gardner)

The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.

What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.

Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.

An Australian army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.

How do you save a drowning mouse ?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !

I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.

Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.

Nurse: Fine. Suture self.

If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.

Thank you for teaching me about bargaining
It means a great deal.

You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away

(Anonymous)

Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.

A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"

It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.

Don't theater jokes always seem so staged?

It’s raining cats and dogs today - I just hope it doesn’t rain deer!

Your clothes would look better accelerating towards the floor at 9.8 m/s.

How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”

Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom.

Who’s at the door?
It’s snowbody.

Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.

How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.

Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.

“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”

- Rob Delaney.