A person who only loves himself and waffles in the entire world is an Eggomaniac.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?
Don’t go around BRRfooted!
What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!
How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!
Who did Prince Mushroom fall in love with at the royal ball? - Chanterella!
I would hug you after a Bikram Yoga class
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
Why are frogs great outfielders?
Because they never miss a fly.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I ain't no poet, but neither are you.
Wow, you’re such a catch. I could never let you Chlo-e.
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
Which city do hamsters live in?
Hamsterdam.
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.
I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
Girl, you must be blue because you’re the hottest star around right now.
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
To the shell-block.
Are you dessert because I'm finished.
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
Of course I like long walks by the moonlight.
What do people in New Mexico eat on thanksgiving?
an Albuturquey
Despite the pun being so orange-inal, it wasn’t all that funny.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
Has Spotify contacted you yet? Because you are the hottest single in this club.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst