“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.
It’s time to say Versailles to France.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
Darling, I never want you to leaf me.
What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
What do you call a nervous baby ant?
A little antsy.
I'm no sandman, but I can take you to cotton candy land.
I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because honestly, Karen, you are a demon.
Are you an orphanage? Cause I wanna give you kids.
Honey, if you were a space station, you’d be called Deep Space Fine.
Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!
Why didn’t the two algae ever have se*?
Because they had a planktonic relationship
You remind me of a diamond necklace because you sure sparkle and shine bright.
Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
Scientists permit us to see the sun in different light.
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
Good gourd, pumpkin spice latte season is officially here.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.