Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?
He wouldn’t stop puttering around.
What did the Australian cowboy charge for kangaroo rides?
A Buckaroo
What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner?
She flipped out!
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
Not even Fahrenheit, Celsius, or Kelvin can measure how hot you are!
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.
Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
I finally found out why flamingos sleep with one leg up! If they had both legs up they would fall over.
What birds like to write?
Penguins!
What do you call a freezing bear?
A brrrrrrr.
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.
What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his parents were in a jam!
So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
I’m elf-taught.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
I really caribou-t you.
What’s the best part of the cell, next to the cytoplasm? The nucle-US.
What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.
Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D
What do you call an ant that doesn’t sink?
Bouy-ant.
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
Are you a musician? Because you make my heart go staccato.
Emo bunnies just do not carrot all.