When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.
I've never seen the inside of my ears...
But I've heard good things.
No one really enjoys crying wolf. However, the boy did cry just to get a howling experience.
You may be flightless but you make my heart soar.
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
Are you a bike? Because I wanna ride you until I get tired.
What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’d go into thousands of dollars of crippling debt just to examine you!
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
A strawberry usually needs batteries when it runs out of juice.
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
What color sheet did the ghost wear on the 4th of July? Red, white, and boo.
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
Somebody stole all my lamps… I couldn’t be more de-lighted!
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
How do Greek gods say sorry to one another
"I Apollo-gise"
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
I’ve never experienced having my dream come true, until the day I met you.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
Why did they stop giving the horse grass?
They wanted it to be less green.
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.