Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Worm!
Worm who?
Worm to meet you!
People tell me I have a good breaststroke, but I'd say I'm a pretty good swimmer too.
My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.
Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor as his assistant?
He had a hunch about him.
So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.
When should astronauts retire?
When they start spacing out.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic. But thankfully I’m cured.
I’m ex-static!
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
What do you call a talkative drink? Chai Tea.
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
I’m like planet Neptune. I’m attracted to the gravitational pull from Uranus since it is so big, and I cannot lie.
Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?
Because he has a dark side!
Can I claim your baggage?
I never need to see the sun again because your eyes light up my world.
What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter?
More-soup-y’all?
I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
We've been driving all day, I need a brake.
My suitcase started crying when I picked it up. I was carrying emotional baggage.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What do you call a fish whith a car? A carfish!
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Why did the skeleton need a hug?
Because he had nobody.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
What do you call it when you get a month’s worth of rain at once?
England.
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little love right now.
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
The reason lakes are bigger than rivers is because one has running water whereas the other water is merely standing.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.