Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Who do vampires buy their cookies from? The Ghoul Scouts
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause, you look out of this world.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
He achieved escape velocity.
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
What do llamas say when you tell them something obvious?
“No spit, Sherlock.”
I hit a crow in my truck one day, and it flew into the next lane and landed on a police car. I was ticketed for flipping the officer the bird.
How about we drop the gloves and go at it?
What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
I saw you and I pictured us as swans, we could mate for life.
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
What was the shark’s favorite Tim Burton film?
Edward Scissorfins.
I can’t believe such a perfect match could Alexis-t
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
What will you do if you come across a green alien? I’ll simply wait until it’s ripe.
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
When the theatre owner dies, his visitation hours are as follows: 1pm, 3pm, 6:30 pm, 9pm, and midnight.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory.
I mean, the arguments for it aren’t exactly well rounded.
You are the best, I feel so peachy when I am with you!
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
You're like my favorite candy bar, half sweet, half nuts.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
Can an Australian with poor vision clearly see the moon?
No, but a "good eye might."
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
It wasn't til I studied Spanish as an adult that learned Spain discovered Canada.
As our teacher explained it, the first maps said "Acá, nada."
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
My printer just told me it was joining a band.
Makes sense since it lives to jam.