I hate oranges. Will you be my main squeeze?
Owl always love you.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
Hey, are you an anchor? Because you've done nothing but weigh me down.
I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away.
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
Call me Kathleen Wynne ‘cause I’d spend all my money on you.
"Yoda one for me."
What is the collective noun for Ghosts? Team spirit.
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
My wife and my friends are sick of my puns about The Abominable Snowman.
Yeti keep cracking them.
I’m so glad prohibition was repealed, because I’m drunk on you.
How do you spot a car made by Apple?
It does not have Windows.
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
I'm sorry I had an accident...
I slipped and fell right into your heart.
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
Why aren’t trees competitive sports fans? They like to root for everyone.
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
Woke up with sweats afraid I'd contracted the corona virus...
Changed into jeans and was all good.
What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
Are you from Tennessee?
Because you look inbred.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
Where does a penguin keep its money?
In a snow bank.
I went to the zoo today....
only to find out that some aquatic mammals had escaped.
It was otter chaos.
Babe, your beauty throws me off-beat
What do you call an angry kangaroo?
Hopping mad.
Hey, I think I could rock your world if you Dave me a chance…