I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap?
It was always on shale.
On a recent flight, my friend asked me, "If the door suddenly opens, you think we will fall out?
I said, "No, we will still be friends."
If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
What's more impressive than a talking fish?
A spelling bee.
Before training its killer dolphins, Iran had to convert them to fishlam.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
I was waiting at the hotel's lobby when the WiFi was disconnecting from time to time.
I really hated that reception.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
Why did the vegetarian stop running cross country?
He did not like the meets.
A magician wearing a rainbow colored coat is called Hue-dini.
Good thing I just bought term life insurance … because I saw you and my heart stopped!
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.
The gang of crows used a crowbar to break into the house.
What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.
Filming in cemetery angers residents - The Evening Standard
Please don’t go now. Else, I would have to go to the police station and report you to the cops. You just stole my heart.
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
You must be copper and terillium because you are Cu-Te
Hey Cinderella, must be time I took you home. It’s nearly midnight!
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
Hey girl, feel my sweater. Know what it's made of?
Boyfriend material.
A bear covered in a bunch of crows gives the picture of a grizzly murder.
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
What do witches in Australia ride?
Broomerangs.
Like a bouquet tied with twine, I can be yours if you will be mine.
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
Flamingos are great at social events; they flamingle really well.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
It'll become apparent.
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
What did the man say after spending hours skiing?
"I'm starving, can I avalanche?"
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
A man and his wife are playing Dungeons and Dragons together...
During the man's turn, he rolls his D20 and rolls a 1. Simultaneously, he stubs his toe against the table leg so hard that his toe essentially falls off. Blood everywhere. The wife has to rush them both to the ER.
She's waiting.
She's waiting...
The doctor emerges, and the wife rushes over. "How is my husband? What's his condition?"
The doctor replies: "Critical, miss."
Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor? Rabbit De Niro!
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
Practice safe text: use commas.
Why does nobody invite Jupiter to the space parties? Because he has too much gas, always…
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
I was at a bar and heard a band playing a Queen cover. I asked them what the name of their band was. They are called the Champignons my friend.
What cartoon do horses like to watch?
Whinny the Pooh.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.