How much caramel can a canny canonball cram in a camel if a canny canonball can cram caramel in a camel?
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
When you come across a strawberry that uses foul language, it must be berry rude.
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
Fall is coll-arding; it’s time to leave.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
"I just can't take the bad lovemaking anymore".
What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.
I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
I can heartly wait to see you.
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
Avoid pier pressure.
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
Their engagement is yet to be made offishell.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!
What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
"Can you empty your pocket? I believe you have stolen my heart."
- Leverage
Two skeletons are talking in a bar.
Skeleton 1: "Are you going to the funeral tomorrow?"
Skeleton 2: “Of corpse I am.”
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
Before training its killer dolphins, Iran had to convert them to fishlam.
How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
My Spotify sucks. It showed me the hottest singles, and missed you out!
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Amanda.
Amanda who?
Amanda lay you, your lonely nights are over.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
French, French Revolution
Is your eyesight as bad as your cell phone reception? Because that was a terrible call.
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.
An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.