Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
Here today, lepre-gone tomorrow.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Iran!
Iran who?
Iran over here to tell you this!
The baby strawberries were berry upset when they heard that both their parents were in the jam.
What did the deer say when she met her favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn of your movies!”
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
I violated grammar rules, so I got punished with the death sentence.
Death.
Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Also Did you utilize Canada's public healthcare system to help ease that pain?
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.
Yeah but what about the ears?
You never heard of mountaineers?
What is a dog’s favorite movie about dinosaurs?
Jurassic Bark.
Did your parents work on The Manhattan Project? Because you’re the bomb!
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
Why did Billy make a bunch of snowmen to be his friends?
Because he wanted to hang with the cool kids!
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
I hear this house is haunted… we better stick together.
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
What do you call twin baby kangaroos?
Roo-mMates!
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
Why don’t vampires use the front door?
Because they use the bat flap instead.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
I'm snow bored.
Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me any time you want to.
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!
The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.
The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.
I'm Claus-trophobic.