If you ask me if I love you I'll have to plead the 5th. Don't want to incriminate myself.
What do rabbits say before they eat? Lettuce pray.
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
Hey baby, are you a cloud server?
Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Girl, are you a swimming cap? Because you’re always on my head.
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
What do witches in Australia ride?
Broomerangs.
Why did the mummy get a divorce?
His wife was a ghoul-digger who was just after his mummy.
Irish I may, Irish I might.
What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
Nice asteroids.
What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?
A cough-y drinker.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
Each year, lots of wolves go treating in howl-o-ween.
What do you call a Spanish Goat with no hind legs?
Gracias
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
You can toast my marshmallows anytime.
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
My Creeper gets excited when it sees how hot you look.(Minecraft)
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall — hope you do too!
On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor
Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply
I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming
In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'
Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?
- by Jenna Logan
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift.
Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.
Me, to my wife: They said that the Covid vaccines are safe and has no side effects.
My wife: Who did?
Me: Yep.
What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel? An inn-grown hare.