What music are balloons scared of? Pop music
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
What’s a horse’s favorite animated movie?
Bolt.
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
You read, white, and blew my mind.
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
I didn’t plan on specializing, but you seem pretty special to me.
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
I enjoy the imagination inside my head
Until I hear racket beside my bed.
It's my 5:00 alarm!
I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
It's my 5:15 reminder!
Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
It's 7:20. I'm late!!!
(By Demecia Dean)
I think you are suffering from a lack of Vitamin Me.
From the moment I saw you, I knew I would be spending the rest of my life trying to avoid you.
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
If your heart was a prison, I would want to be sentenced to life.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
It's lit.
Are you Jewish? Cause you IS RAELI HOT.
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
Are you a needle? Because you are sew special to me.
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.
It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
What do you call fifty penguins at the North Pole?
Really lost. (Penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere)!
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
Are you a practice room? Because I want you and I hope you're not taken
What do you call a three-eyed tiger?
A tiiiger.
Woah! What’s the name of THIS out-of-the-world body?
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!
What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.
Rebel without a Claus.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep
Let's procreate like the snakes in the Narcisse Dens.
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.