Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
What's white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
A hot frog.
And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
What chord does jesus play on guitar?
Gsus
What happens if you cross a night crawler with a telephone? You get Ringworm!
Grammar has never been my strong suit.
So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
My wireless keyboard isn't working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
Q. Why do educated gorillas like the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13?
A. 'Cause they're prime apes.
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
Girl, have we both been rendered sightless? Because we ain’t seeing each other anymore.
How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I’ve ever seen.
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
What did the dolphin detective say to his partner?
Something smells fishy!
What’s the best way to settle church disputes?
With canons.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
What was the owl’s favorite Whitney Houston song?
Owl always love you.
Rivers are so lazy they never get out of their beds.
Are you the World Cup? ‘Cause I get excited just waiting for you.
You're hotter than sulfuric acid and sugar and you smell twice as sweet.
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
Just promise you won’t tamper with my heart.
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gator.
"Roses are red, violets are blue. We're breaking up beacause I never loved you."
What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
What is ice cream’s favorite TV show?
Game of Cones.
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
I only have ice for you.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Two 4's.
Two 4's who?
No need to make lunch we already 8.
Football players get cheerleaders, but hockey players bring them home.