What did the banana do when it saw a gorilla? The banana split.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
What is a strawberry that likes to spin called? A berry-go-round.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
Vogue just called; they want to put you on the cover.
Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.
Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Inter-net.
Which Nordique great has recurring ligament problems? Peter Spaz-knee!
I smelled you down the street, and my nose brought me right to you.
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
What would a crow wear to the Halloween party? A crown!
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
Because it was so foggy at my father’s funeral, he was buried in the wrong plot.
It was a grave mist-stake.
I met a French vampire who had an attention deficit problem. We called him Drac..ooh la la!
My love for you is like an exponential curve. It’s unbounded.
What does a person with Covid like to drink?
Coughy.
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
Hey, how’ve you Ben?
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
A man went to buy long underwear cause the weather was getting cold. The cashier asked " How long would you like them"
"From march to September", said the man.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Why do ghouls like ice cream?
Because it’s ghoulilicous!
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
Which frog has horns?
A bull frog.
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
How do you know you’ve been visited by a possessed rabbit? He leaves deviled eggs.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
"Rosé all day."
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
I’ve always wanted to be a farmer’s wife.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
What do you call a martial arts expert in a tree?
Bruce Leaf.
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C