"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.
Has the abominable snowman called?
Not Yeti.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Are you made of grapes? Because you are fine as wine!
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
What did the Little Mermaid say to Triton before she left?
- If you need me, call me on my shell.
Who do vampires buy their cookies from? The Ghoul Scouts
How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles
You’re a perfect ten(t).
What a werewolf movie, talk about howling!
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer? The Space bar!
What do you call fifty penguins at the North Pole?
Really lost. (Penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere)!
What online search engine do spooky monsters use?
Ghoulghoul.
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
Your smile is brighter than the fireworks on the 4th of July.
Baby, meeting you was better than an NHL lockout ending.
Why did the computer wear glasses?
To improve its web sight.
Don't worry, bee happy!
You’re just like how I like my potatoes — sweet.
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
You’re the pumpkin pie of my eye.
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
You remind me of cheese... I want you on everything!
Did you know that unicorns live in New York City? I swear why do you think their called uNYCorns?
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the thin ice our relationship is on.
No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
Are you a beaver? Because I like your tail.
You're hot enough for both of us during winter.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
A Bee?
A bee who?
A beaver is building a dam on the river.
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
Are you a member of a Girl Scout? Girl: No. Boy: Then why you knew how to tie my heart into knots?
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
Crash courses for private pilots - The Daily Telegraph
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
What do a mommy bee and a daddy bee make when they have alone time?
A babe-bee.
What is the Easter Bunny's favorite drinking game?
Hop Scotch.
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.