I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus? Because he couldn't get his stilton.
Do hairless goats wish they had mohair?
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.
Can I take your temperature? You’re looking hot today.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
Those aren't sugar plums dancing through my head, it's all you.
Q. Where did the gorilla like to go sailing?
A. The Chimpan-Sea
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
Hey lady, I'm like the sun, I go down every night.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"
Don't theater jokes always seem so staged?
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?
It’s a beautiful Degas!
Without you, I feel like a fragment. Incomplete.
A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
What does a magician penguin say?
“Pick a cod, any cod…”
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
How did the police find all the missing wood from the lumber yard?
It was chipped.
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land
The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
Hey girl, are you gold? Because I'm in Au of your beauty.
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
There's side view, rear view and you know what else?
I loview.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.