Of all the rocks in the world, I’d pick you.
Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table?
She was hogging all the food!
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward, I just want to have dinner with you.
You're kind of ugly and fat. Lucky for you, I'm into those things.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
What did the deer say when she met her favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn of your movies!”
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
Ireland is pitcher perfect.
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone.
What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
If pigs learned to fly, would the price of bacon skyrocket?
skyrocket
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
What do the lady pigs say when someone leaves the toilet seat up? “Hoof-orgot to put the seat down?"
If a flower grew every time you’d cross my mind, I’d have a field of flowers.
You are one well-defined function!
Even Pepcid AC can’t stop my heart from burning for you.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a nice day.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
Are you a thief? Because you stole a year of my life.
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
Litterachi.
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
What do you call it when a marsupial tricks you?
A kanga-ruse.
Each Easter Eddie eats eighty Easter eggs.
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.