Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
Why is it easy to spot a Cinderella-fish? They have glass flippers!
Hey girl, I've got an extensive collection of solution manuals. Can I get your number?
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
How does a kangaroo pick his favorite baseball team?
He jumps on the bandwagon.
Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?
A jelly button.
What is a Ghost’s favourite toy to play with? Leg-oooooooooooooooo!
My magical watch says you aren’t wearing any panties. Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast!
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
Do you run track? Because you are running laps around my heart.
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror.
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
You must be a fourth or a fifth, because you're just perfect!
How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
Goldfish Is Saved From Drowning
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”
It started raining coins outside today.
I guess it’s just climate change.
On a lazy laser raiser lies a laser ray eraser.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Of course I like long walks by the moonlight.
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
Are there any funny red wine puns at BabaMail Jokes?
You bet Shiraz there are!
What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
Want to see the real coming attraction?
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.
This match sure has me feeling Victori-ous
Nice legging. Are you making a fashion statement? Because you got my attention.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.