What can one parrot do?
Not as much as toucan.
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
If flamingos can’t fly, how on earth do they get about? They use flamingo karts, of course.
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
You are photon quanta to my valence electron because you excite me to a higher energy level.
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
What do a great hitter and a boxer have in common?
Both are serious sluggers.
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Can you put some hot sauce on my enchilada, I need some spice in my life.
What is your favorite yoga pose?
If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
What should you double check when buying an electric car?
That your driving license is current.
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
What do you call a bear with no socks on? Bare-foot.
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
Playing the keyboard is...
my type of music.
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
you must be augmented cause my love for you just won't diminish!
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
I know a fun activity that can burn 500 calories an hour...
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.
Whenever you and me get together, it's like superposition of 2 waves in phase.