“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
Why did the lettuce and the mushroom break up? The lettuce was pretty but the mushroom did not have much room for her in his life.
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
I can score from multiple positions.
Do you like my cologne? It’s derived from the musk gland of the industrious beaver.
How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.
Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?
He couldn't focus on the negatives.
What did the first thunderstorm of the year say?
Hail to the spring!
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
What do bats say to vampires?
“You suck!”
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk.”
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.
Did you get those pants on sale? (Why?) Because at my house they would be 100% off!
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
What do ducks get after they eat?
A bill.
Did you hear about the football team that drafted a vending machine?
They really needed a quarter back!
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
It’s a beautiful Degas!
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
What is a cat’s favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
What do you get when a raven flies into a group of 18 crows?
Corvid-19.
Bodies in garden are a plant says wife
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
I was going to make another mountain pun but I can't think of summit.
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
I think you are a horror movie because I can't sleep when I think about you.
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.