What is a dog’s favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas.
Why wouldn’t the Moon come to the Sun’s funeral?
It isn’t a mourning person
Nothing lasts forever. Can you be my nothing?
Is your nickname cream cheese? Because you’re about to get bageled.
Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
What do you call an ant from overseas?
Import-ant.
If you think I’m hot now, wait until you see what I turn into at midnight.
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
Pig always have ink all over their faces because they live in a pen.
Did You Hear About The Duck Who Thought He Was a Squirrel?
It was one tough nut to quack.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.
I was going to call you beautiful, but then I realized I don’t have your number yet.
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
What’s black and white and stands in the corner?
A naughty panda.
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
Anything is popsicle during summer!
Were you forged by Sauron? Because baby, you're precious.
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
Best in snow.
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
I'm the life of the paddy.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
I'd take that cackhanded banana-bender on a walkabout
What do you call an elephant that never washes?
A smelly-phant.
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men
You have to fear the wurst.
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
An army of werewolves is known as a Fur-eign Legion.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.